Silently Seduced by Ph.D. Kenneth M. Adams & Adams & Ph.D

Author:Ph.D. Kenneth M. Adams & Adams & Ph.D. [Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D.]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: seduced, partners, silent, Ph.D.includes, kenneth adams, covert, FAQ, understanding, incest, parents, children, silently
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
Published: 2015-02-15T22:00:00+00:00

6

The Struggle to Commit

But illusions are stronger than we might want them to be.

—Henri J. M. Nouwen, Reaching Out

A CHILD WHO HAS BEEN A PARENT’S surrogate partner suffers a deep emotional wound. The intuitive sense of self that permits the freedom and trust necessary to make constructive choices in relationships is damaged. In its place, an idealistic illusion develops as to what relationships are and what they can provide. Hoping for a perfect partner or relationship often becomes the criteria by which the covert incest victim makes decisions. Covert incest victims long to fill their illusions and have their intimacy needs met. Since perfection is not possible, never feeling satisfied becomes a chronic emotional response in relationships. Consequently, the ability to make a full emotional commitment to a relationship is greatly restricted.

Typically, the intimacy position that the covert incest victim maintains in relationships is one of ambivalence. “Sitting on the fence” or “having one foot in and one foot out of the door, just in case” are common descriptions of this ambivalence. At the core of the ambivalence is wanting desperately to be loved and fearing it at the same time. The mask or outward manifestation of this fear is the search for the perfect partner. Until the core fear is resolved, the attachment to fantasy remains the only means to attempt intimacy. Tasting the sweetness as well as the bitterness of reality is never realized. Relationships become a string of disappointments that never live up to the expectations.

Ambivalence serves as a way to protect. By holding it as a defense, the covert incest victim stays guarded from the threat of being used and trapped again. Fear of being smothered and engulfed is a core part of the ambivalent commitment experienced. The original pain of being exploited by the parent surfaces in relationships with spouses. These feelings are projected onto the partner, and the covert incest survivor pulls back from the commitment. So, as the initial need for further commitment in a relationship grows, the fear of being used again grows as well. Since the boundaries are often blurred between adulthood and the incestuous wounds of childhood, being able to differentiate between one’s spouse and the incestuous parent is difficult. Consequently, the feelings of being violated become active. Ambivalence shields the covert incest victim from the threat of further entrapment.

It bears mentioning that the ambivalence serves another purpose. Since the parent demanded devotion and loyalty in the surrogate companionship, the covert incest survivor’s primary emotional commitment remains to the parent. Her partner or spouse gets only a part of her as she struggles to juggle the devotion to the parent with the demands of intimacy from a partner. Remaining ambivalent in the commitment allows the covert incest survivor safety from having to break away completely from her parent.

Although the covert incest victim experiences chronic ambivalence in relationships, the beginning of a relationship is often quick and intense. Immediate and total commitment occurs, followed by uncertainty and ambivalence. The tremendous guilt the covert incest victim carries prohibits leaving if the relationship is not working.

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