Sh**ged. Married. Annoyed. by Chris Ramsey & Rosie Ramsey

Author:Chris Ramsey & Rosie Ramsey [Ramsey, Chris & Ramsey, Rosie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780241447147
Google: zDHNDwAAQBAJ
Amazon: B084C5C68P
Publisher: Penguin UK
Published: 2020-09-02T23:00:00+00:00

Hanging around the pool tables

Hanging around the two-player arcade machines with a spare 25 pesetas

Asking kids if they had seen my lost lilo (I didn’t have one)

Blatantly walking up to children and saying, ‘Will you be my friend?’

The saddest thing about this whole story is that as a person with siblings I have witnessed children like yourself first-hand, desperately trying to encroach on our family game of piggy in the middle, failing miserably as it’s only a game for three.

I wish that I knew then what I know now, as I’d have let you play with us for sure. Poor little lamb. I just want to let you know now, though, Chris, that siblings are honestly overrated. You can’t stand the sight of each other until you’re at least 22 and even then they can irritate the living shit out of you.

It might all look like fun and games on the surface, but if you delve slightly underneath that shiny exterior you can guarantee that one of them has probably thrown a remote control at the other around the breakfast table a mere hour previous (true story). Your parents argue more as they’re stressed to bits. You never get new clothes. Oh, kiss your own room goodbye too! Vicious they are. Pure vicious. But yeah, in this case you do always have someone to play with, I suppose. Oh, and less responsibility once your parents are old and need caring for. You’ve got that little milestone to deal with all on your own, babe. Bless you, sweetheart. Maybe you could hang round the TV at the old people’s home? See if anyone will play with you there? Worth a shot, eh?

Holidays for us these days are extremely different to what they were. Gone are the 5 p.m. gin and tonics round the adult pool, chilling in there until the sun sets, not a child in sight. Oh no, our holidays are now filled with endless hours of keeping a toddler entertained in the 40-degree sun!

We went to Greece a few years ago when Robin was one. We were all set for a lovely relaxing family getaway. The hotel we booked looked great, loads of stuff to keep us all entertained, the weather was set to be amazing and I personally couldn’t wait to get there.

As soon as I started packing our suitcases I realized that this was a terrible idea. Unfortunately, it’s not until you’re packing a suitcase for a baby/child that you work out how many nappies they go through. Oh, my goodness! Why do they take up so much room? Forget about squeezing your hairdryer in the baby’s bag, there’s no bloody room! It’s full of frigging nappies! Then there’s formula, bottles, baby food/pouches, outfits, sun hats, toys, medicine, sun cream. They are so bloody high-maintenance.

Having not personally lifted a finger to help in the packing process, I can only describe my shock as the case was opened when we got to our destination and I genuinely thought Rosie had robbed Mothercare on our way to the airport.

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