Secure Relating by Sue Marriott

Author:Sue Marriott
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2024-03-25T00:00:00+00:00

Cultural Influence in Promoting Toxic Invulnerability

It is common for messages of self-importance to be unintentionally reinforced by parents who didn’t have enough emotional resources themselves (and who likely had under-resourced parents as well), and who have been raised in cultures that promote this myth of “independence.”

Often dependence is seen as childlike and independence is seen as more adult, but in fact we will always be mutually dependent on one another through our lifetimes. Peers, parents, grandparents, schools, media, social policy, higher institutions, and businesses can all reinforce this blue-leaning brain dominance over the science-based truth of healthy, integrated, ongoing relationships.

As we discussed in chapter 7, we have labeled these messages as a pull toward toxic invulnerability because they promote the idea that we should idealize the independent-minded, judge those that show their need for others, and deny personal mistakes and weaknesses. This becomes toxic as it amplifies our body’s need to remain in protective armor. Rather than protecting us from real harm, however, it communicates to our body that we are on our own and shouldn’t count on others for our survival—a false and dangerous belief for our individual and community health and relationships.

With this message of invulnerability, we are passing down wiring that deactivates the very part of us that has helped us grow, live, and flourish as a species. It is our interconnectedness that helps us create, nurture one another, and grow into our heathiest selves and communities. Remember, none of this is personal: these blue-leaning tendencies become wired in and reinforced in stereo.

We are not saying that blue-leaning strategies are inherently bad and to be avoided at all costs. In fact, all of us need blue strategies for our ability to cope in this world. We also need diversity, and individuals who lean blue have been a needed part of communities. That said, we are encouraging those who have been socialized to lean blue to be aware of and open up to other important aspects of their emotional world.

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