Secret Squirrel by Secret Squirrel

Author:Secret Squirrel [Squirrel, Secret]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781786231284
Publisher: Grosvenor House Publishing
Published: 2018-01-10T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twelve

The Great Joke Competition

We were always looking for new ways to keep the students happy and amused. We used to have darts, dominoes, snooker, cards, chess and indoor tournaments. Soccer both indoor and outdoor, rugby, tug-o-war both indoor and outdoor, athletics, quizzes and swimming galas. The swimming galas caused the most excitement. For those who could not swim too well, they had the opportunity to give everyone a laugh by dressing up as a beauty queen. They would represent their course at the interval beauty contest. The winner was presented with a sash and a trophy. When deciding on what to call the winning title, there could only be one possible title – ‘Miss Intercourse’.

We used to opt for the activities that would not cause injuries as we lost many students who had to return home. One student came up with a very good idea for the winter evenings, in the bar of course. And so began the World’s Greatest Joke Telling Competition. We deliberated for some time on the rules that would apply. Do we judge the joke only or the presenter? Or a combination of both? We ended up with a judging panel and rules applying to the audience. Yours truly had the privilege of hosting the World’s Greatest Joke Telling Competition. The competition, as expected, produced lots of heckling, shouting out, interruptions, laughter and general piss-taking and as such demanded firm control, which it received. I append below the major contenders, minus the pathetic and heard-it-before efforts and I will dispense with the much-repeated line – “and the next one please”.

What’s the connection between a used Durex and an Irish submarine?

They are both full of thick sea-men.

This Geordie was on holiday when he met a Frenchman, who began to get on his nerves, by continually bragging about Frenchmen being the best lovers. He incensed the Geordie further when he said that when he makes love to his wife, she levitates and begins to float above the bed. “That’s now’t,” says Geordie. “After I have made love to my wife and I wipe my dick on the curtains, she hits the fucking ceiling.”

Now a story about Rabbie Burns, which was alleged to be a true story. Rabbie Burns was asked by a friend of his to spy on his wife, who he thought was having an affair. Rabbie follows his friend’s wife, and sure enough she meets up with a gentleman. After a few drinks in a local ale house, the pair headed off to an hotel. They obtained a room at the front of the hotel on the first floor. Rabbie was wondering what to do next when he saw this horse and cart coming along the road carrying a load of straw. He quickly stopped the farmer and his load and bribed him to allow Rabbie to conceal himself on top of the straw and then to halt under the window of the hotel so that he could have a look and listen to see what was going on.

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