Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry by Les & Leslie Parrott

Author:Les & Leslie Parrott [Les & Parrott, Leslie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: aVe4EvA
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2006-06-04T20:00:00+00:00

Apologize When Necessary

A graceful apology is a curtsy to civility, a gesture that helps crowded citizens put up with each other, a modest bow to keep hassles within tolerable bounds. But within a marriage, an apology to your partner that is sincerely meant is much more than a civility—it can be a powerful tool for resolving issues and strengthening your relationship.

Sometimes apologizing is perfectly straightforward. When one partner blows it, and the offense is minor (maybe he forgot to put gas in the car), a graceful apology is all it takes for the incident to be dropped. At other times an apology can be surprisingly complicated.

Like lots of couples, one husband and wife we worked with would regularly short-circuit their arguments with hasty apologies. “I said I was sorry for what I did,” one of them would say. “Now why can’t you forget about it and move on?”

This form of apology is really a tool of manipu lation, a way of getting off the hook and avoiding the real issue. What’s worse, a premature apology blocks real change. One husband

snapped at his wife at a dinner party. Later he said, “I’m sorry, but look, you have to understand that I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.” The husband was avoiding responsibility for his insensitive behavior. What his wife needed to hear was “I’m sorry. It isn’t right to lash out at you when I’m stressed.” This would have told the wife that her hus band understood he had hurt her and would try not to do it again.

True apologies in marriage can happen only when partners come to understand accountability. This is another way of saying that each of you must take responsibility for your own behavior, acknowledge your partner’s point of view, and at times own up to things about yourself you don’t like. Finally, it may mean making changes. “I had to swallow my pride and admit to something unlikable about myself,” one husband told us. “But once I did, I started changing.”

All couples need a healing mechanism, a way to turn a new page in marriage, and knowing how and when to say you’re sorry can make a big difference. Ask yourself when and how you apologize. Does one of you apologize more than the other? Do you use apologies to short-circuit or whitewash issues?

An apology may not be a literal “I’m sorry”; it may be giving gifts, sharing an evening out, or simply taking a quiet walk together. The point is that a sincere apology, whatever its form, leaves the couple with a renewed closeness and a relieved feeling that all is well.

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