Renegotiate Your Marriage by Bonnie Jacobson

Author:Bonnie Jacobson [Jacobson, Bonnie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781440528910
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2012-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 7

Money: Balancing

Your Power Along

with Your Budget

Seventy-six percent of Americans named money as the number one source of stress in their lives, according to a 2011 American Psychological Association survey. In addition, money is the number one topic of disagreement in young marriages. As much as sex, desire, health issues, kids, in-laws, jobs, religion, and any number of other topics can be a lightning rod between couples, nothing comes close to causing the kind of flaming, explosive fights as often as money does.

Of all the topics we have covered so far, money is the most arduous to negotiate, because the shame and taboo it evokes make people reluctant to even bring it up. But you can’t negotiate through anything if you’re not willing to face the underlying cause of your disagreement. You can’t bargain for an improved sex life if the reason your wife is withholding sex is that she believes you’re hiding something because you won’t give her the online passwords to the bank accounts. You can’t achieve trust if you feel infantilized when every time you ask your wife, the main breadwinner of the family, how much you have in savings, she simply replies, “Enough.”

Couples who are in this predicament often assume that if they ever start to talk about finances, they would find that their differences are irreconcilable. Actually, most people aren’t that far apart in their philosophy. Talking about money is difficult; finding solutions to money conflicts is frequently easier than predicted.

Removing the Taboo

We are a conflicted lot when it comes to money discussions. In a 2011 Lawyers.com “Couples and Money” survey of over 1,000 adults in committed relationships, 91 percent said that they believe it’s important to discuss each other’s financial histories before getting married, yet over a quarter admitted to avoiding the topic altogether. And though 40 percent of people said they believed that it is more important to be honest about money than it is to be about your sexual history or your fidelity, nearly 29 percent said they withheld information from their spouse about their discretionary spending habits.

Why? Because many people believe that thinking or talking about money makes them look greedy. Speaking about sex might be uncomfortable, but the underlying goal of the discussion is usually to bring you closer to your spouse, to enhance your pleasure and intimacy together. Many people think talking about money just makes them look avaricious, materialistic, or superficial. No one wants to seem that way.

Who Is at Risk

Money equals security and power, and you have neither if you feel anxious because you don’t know how much you and your spouse really have, or resentful because you can’t get your partner to stick to a budget, or angry because you feel you should be earning more than he is by now. People lash out when they feel vulnerable. Money factors into so many decisions couples make—where to live, where to shop, what to eat, whether to have children, whether to vacation, and on and on—it’s no wonder it’s the source of so much friction in the majority of households.

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