Recovery by Herbert L. Gravitz & Julie D. Bowden

Author:Herbert L. Gravitz & Julie D. Bowden
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Touchstone

40. What is the best way to take care of myself while I am confronting core issues?

The answer to this question is similar to how adult children would take care of themselves in any of the preceding or subsequent stages. But it is especially important in the stage of core issues to realize and to really appreciate that this is a very special period of time. Once adult children of alcoholics acknowledge and accept the influence of the past, they are ready to deal with the core issues which have plagued them as adults. If the familial alcoholism is ignored or minimized, they will progress very slowly or not at all. That is why many adult children who are in psychotherapy and do not deal with their parents’ alcoholism seem to flounder and get nowhere. Without a foundation, not much of a building can be erected. Without knowing about alcoholism, without knowing how alcoholism affects the family and everyone in it, there is no context in which to understand what has happened.

Acquiring certain new attitudes toward yourself and toward others is crucial in this stage; they pave the way for the changes that need to occur. First and foremost, cultivate the attitude that it is better to explore than to criticize. Be grateful when you discover a problem area. After all, it was there all the time! Be open to new ways of seeing things, to new meanings, new learnings, new associations, without being judgmental. Make few conclusions about yourself or others until you have had a chance to gather a lot of information. Know how deep the water is before you jump in. Here again, it is important to slow down, take your time, and develop patience. Remember, it took years to get to where you are now; you cannot fix everything in a day.

While developing these attitudes, you may want to enlist the aid of a guide or consultant. One of the things adult children of alcoholics desperately need to learn is to reach out and ask for help. At this stage, give yourself permission to say, “I think I need some assistance.” You may want to seek a therapist if you have not done so already. All the things that we have said about choosing a therapist apply at this stage. And, you would certainly want to continue your education on alcoholism. If you have not yet gone to an Al-Anon meeting, this would be the time to start attending. See what this support group has to offer you. Since all Al-Anon meetings are different, try attending several. Many communities have special meetings for adult children of alcoholics. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If you find that you are isolated from others, let that be a sign—like a red flag—which indicates you are in trouble. There are other red flags during this stage that suggest this is the right time to get help: 1) feeling overwhelmed with what you are learning, experiencing, or seeing;

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