Reconcilable Differences by Andrew Christensen

Author:Andrew Christensen [Christensen Andrew, Doss Brian D., Jacobson Neil S.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781462513239
Publisher: Guilford Publications

The Buildup before the Conflict

One topic that would be productive to discuss and that might aid in their recovery from the conflict would be what went on with each prior to the conflict. Gerard had actually been thinking about a trip with Daren for some time, had discussed it with him 2 weeks earlier, and had finalized it on Tuesday. He had gone to some pain to pick a weekend that would not interfere with any of his and Sylvia’s plans. He did not let her in on any of his thinking or planning because he was apprehensive about her reaction; she often got upset when he planned something without her. Once he had finalized the plans with Daren, he knew he had to let her know. But Tuesday night he had to work late. On Wednesday and Thursday they were having such a pleasant time together that he did not want to spoil it by bringing up the trip with his friend. He hoped that the positive experiences might buffer a negative reaction. The buildup of anticipation in him about telling her got so great that he did want an easy escape—so he told her Friday morning because he couldn’t in good conscience delay any longer and because he would have to leave for work immediately. Her reaction validated his fears: no strategy of disclosure would work with her.

Sylvia had been feeling good about the relationship. She and Gerard had been talking a lot, sharing their experience with each other, but also being playful. They had made love during the week—on Wednesday night—which was unusual for them. Sylvia was looking forward to the weekend because they had no plans; they could just “hang out.” Maybe go out for a good dinner and a movie. Maybe play some tennis. Maybe shop together. When Gerard brought up his plans for the weekend on Friday morning, she was crushed and furious. She was upset about his camping plans and angry at the way he had handled them. Why couldn’t he let her know what was going on with him? The experience validated her suspicions that he could not be trusted, that she could never know what he had up his sleeve.

A discussion of the events and emotions that led up to the conflict might bridge the emotional difficulties that separate them. As Sylvia learned more about Gerard’s efforts to fit his plans into their schedule, of his apprehension about her reactions, and of his search for an opportune time to reveal his plans to her, she might empathize with his dilemma. Similarly, if Gerard learned more about Sylvia’s experience—her growing closeness with him during the week, her hopes for the weekend, and then her disappointment and consequent distrust of him—he might feel compassion for her plight.

If Gerard and Sylvia could voice what they had experienced prior to the conflict and if they could empathize with each other’s dilemma, they would feel closer to each other in spite of—or perhaps even because of—their conflict.

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