Part of My World by Jodi Benson & Carol Traver

Author:Jodi Benson & Carol Traver [Benson, Jodi & Traver, Carol]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs, RELIGION / Christian Living / Personal Memoirs
ISBN: 9781496453303
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers
Published: 2022-09-13T00:00:00+00:00

Just as everything was starting to come together for me professionally, everything else in my life started falling apart.

Shortly after Smile closed, Ray and I had signed on for an international tour of Once upon a Mattress. I followed that almost immediately with a production of West Side Story in Venice. Then I did another short-lived Broadway show called Welcome to the Club, which my dear friend Frank Rich shut down nine days after it opened. Gosh . . . that guy. The one saving grace of that show was that I met Marcia Mitzman, who became my longtime best friend. Thank God for tiny blessings. And in the middle of all of that, I was flying back and forth to LA to record for Mermaid.

Ray and I were constantly jumping from show to show, and while I was grateful for the work, it started to take its toll. Emotionally, I was really wearing down. Everything was happening so quickly, and I wasn’t making enough time to take care of myself or to focus on growing spiritually. I was able to pull it together for work, put on a happy face, and get the job done, but outside of the spotlight, I was struggling, both in my personal life and in my marriage.

Ray and I barely saw each other, and when we did, I was not in a good headspace. A lot of unresolved stuff related to my parents’ divorce and my relationship with my dad began bubbling to the surface.

After the divorce, my dad left and wasn’t really a part of my life. I saw him maybe 25, 30 times before he passed away, but because of his own issues (he had bipolar disorder), he was never able to be the father I needed. He didn’t attend my wedding or walk me down the aisle. That sense of abandonment was at the root of my struggles.

Granted, I suppose every couple brings some baggage into their marriage with them. But while Ray had brought a little overnight bag, I felt as though I were dragging a steamer trunk, two suitcases, and a garment bag behind me, and I had no idea how to handle it. When Ray and I started dating, I was 18 and, in some ways, searching for security and stability . . . for someone to take care of me the way my dad never had. After Ray and I married, I think Ray took on the role of that missing father figure. As a result, I was torn between being a wife and feeling like a child. The whole situation was a mess.

Instead of drawing Ray in closer and leaning on him for support, I found myself pushing him away and developing some unhealthy relationships outside of our marriage, and eventually Ray did too. We knew we were hurting each other, and we both felt terrible about that. We just didn’t know what to do.

Ray was the first and only serious relationship I’d ever had, and we had married so young.

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