Out of the Fog by Dana Morningstar

Author:Dana Morningstar
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: MorningstarMedia
Published: 2018-04-19T00:00:00+00:00

A Fresh Start vs. Isolation

A Fresh Start

A fresh start means starting over in some way. It could mean starting a new job, moving to a new place, moving to a new city, or getting a makeover. A fresh start can be a very exciting and liberating time in a person’s life.

In terms of an abusive relationship, a fresh start is often what the abuser convinces their target to do by either moving to a new area or cutting off contact with people who “know too much” about the abuse. Sometimes the target may be the one who pushes for a fresh start in order to ease their cognitive dissonance and distance themselves from all the reminders of the cheating, lying, stealing, and manipulation that happened. Together, they may build up this fantasy of creating a fresh start in a new town where they don’t know anyone, or they will talk about starting over in life with just each other. The problem with this is that the abuser’s past behavior isn’t the problem. The problem is that the abuser is abusive, and that’s not something that moving or cutting off contact with other people will fix.

Isolation

Isolation is the main tool in an abusive person’s tool kit and is what many emotional manipulators often push for initially to secure their target, or after their bad behavior comes to light, some bridges are burned, and damage control no longer works. They may either insist on or offer a fresh start in order to escape the drama or chaos left behind by their former actions.

The problem with this is that the other people and all the drama and chaos aren’t the problem—the person’s problematic behavior is the problem. And they can’t outrun themselves. As the saying goes, “Wherever we go; there we are.” What makes getting a “fresh start” with a person who has no shortage of manipulative behavior is that “getting a fresh start” often involves either moving away from or cutting or reducing contact with former friends, family, a job or other types of support systems.

This romanticized idea of getting a fresh start often serves to restart the “idealized” phase of narcissistic abuse, as well as to further deepen the cognitive dissonance experienced by their partner, and in turn, further deepen their bond by creating this “it’s me and you against the world” type of dynamic.

Due to cognitive dissonance, Stockholm syndrome, trauma bonds, and any potential codependency that’s going on, it’s very common for a partner of a narcissist to want to cling to them and to become very defensive and protective of both them and their relationship.

So if anyone in their support system has a problem with their relationship or with them moving away, those people are usually the first ones to have contact cut off, and have now become part of the perceived problem that they are trying to escape. The added challenge is that if the support system never mentions any concerns about their relationship, or that this other

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