Only Trying to Help by Dr. Kate Watson

Author:Dr. Kate Watson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2021-04-01T13:07:19+00:00

“I guess I don’t know what to do next.”

“I feel incompetent.”

I need to feel confident.

“I know what you’re saying, but…”

“You don’t get it.”

I need to be understood.

“Sure. Okay. Thanks. Whatever.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I need to be alone now.

“I can’t figure out which way I want to go with this.”

“I have some options, and I’m deciding which one is best.”

I need to keep giving this more thought.

I acknowledge that some people will directly ask for advice, but I would still act with caution because your advice could be terrible. When I made my first trip to the Middle East, I asked a friend who lived there, “Given the cultural expectation of modesty for women, what is appropriate for me to wear in public?” I directly asked for her advice. But she, believing she was helpful, kept saying, “Wear whatever you want. Who cares?”

After I checked with her a few more times, I ultimately decided that I must have been overthinking the whole thing, so I took her advice. I stepped out of her apartment in Dubai, wearing a sleeveless shirt and a skirt. I put a scarf in my purse as a precaution, and then we took a day trip to Abu Dhabi, where men on the street put their fingers in my face to express disapproval. Immediately, I felt regret and reached for my scarf to cover up. My friend pushed my hand out of the way and said, “Don’t worry about them.” But I was worried. More than anything, I worried about disrespecting the culture. When I look back on that experience now, I realize that she was giving the right advice for herself—I mean, she needed to live her life there. I can appreciate that, for her, it made little sense to make a home in a place where she was tiptoeing around. If she couldn’t wear yoga pants and tank tops, she couldn’t live there. But I was a visitor. I wanted to respect the culture. She was only trying to help me, but I ended up feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed because I took her advice.

Even though I asked for her advice, she probably could have acknowledged that her advice might not be appropriate for me, and she could have asked some clarifying questions to listen and understand my point of view.

Rather than . . .

She could have said . . .

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