Mindful Relationship Habits: 25 Practices for Couples to Enhance Intimacy, Nurture Closeness, and Grow a Deeper Connection by S.J. Scott & Barrie Davenport

Author:S.J. Scott & Barrie Davenport [Scott, S.J. & Davenport, Barrie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Mobilism
Publisher: Oldtown Publishing LLC
Published: 2018-01-05T00:00:00+00:00

Mindful Relationship Habit #13: Heal Hurts Quickly

Barrie once knew a couple that would allow arguments to drag on for days and days. The initial verbal battle might last just a few hours, but the aftereffects had a very long shelf life.

The couple wouldn’t continue actively squabbling, but they would just stop speaking to one another unless absolutely necessary. They would move around each other in the house, sit silently at dinner, and go to bed without talking or resolving anything. For days this would go on!

As they stewed in their resentments, it became increasingly difficult to talk about their feelings, reach a resolution, and heal the wounds inflicted from the initial argument. Eventually, they would grow tired of not talking and would move on as though nothing had happened.

Imagine the negative impact those long periods of hurtful seething had on their relationship. Imagine how their unwillingness to repair the conflict quickly with apologies, forgiveness, and love must have chipped away at their closeness and trust.

As mentioned earlier, Dr. Gottman has found it takes five positive encounters between couples to counteract the impact of one negative encounter. When you allow an argument to simmer for days, without resolving the problem and reconnecting as a couple, you’re compounding the conflict with multiple hurtful interactions.

Every cold stare, every moment of deafening silence, every missed attempt at reconciliation further entrenches the couple in a cycle of pain and divisiveness.

Not only does the couple have to engage in several positive interactions to make up for the original conflict, but now they’ve set themselves up for weeks of disconnection before they accumulate enough neutralizing, positive interactions to put them on sound footing again.

Of course, neither partner is motivated to initiate positive encounters when they are dealing with a backlog of resentment and pain. A small molehill of an argument has now grown into a big mountain of negativity, making it much more difficult to offer apologies, forgiveness, or compromise—much less to attempt positive, healing interactions.

The best thing you can do for the future health of your relationship is to address any initial conflicts, and the resulting emotional fallout, as quickly as possible. However, when both of you are angry, hurt, and confused during an argument, it’s impossible in the moment to reconcile and reconnect.

It takes time and reflection to calm down and initiate a measured respectful resolution to patch up any hurt feelings. But it shouldn’t take days. As tempting as it is to remain indignant, as justified as you might feel in your anger, as much as you believe it’s your partner’s turn to apologize first—don’t allow these feelings to silence the better angels of your nature.

As soon as your anger has subsided, and your judgment has returned, reach out to your partner and initiate resolution and reconnection. Don’t allow stubbornness or pettiness to prevent you from healing the rift as soon as possible. Even if you feel your partner is at fault and hasn’t stepped up to apologize, you can still initiate repair to protect the intimacy, trust, and love you share together.

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