Men, women, and relationships : making peace with the opposite sex by Gray John 1951-

Author:Gray, John, 1951- [Gray, John, 1951-]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Marriage, family & other relationships, Human Sexuality, Psychology, Interpersonal Relations, Sex differences (Psychology), Women, Men, Intimacy (Psychology), Communication
Publisher: Hillsboro, Or. : Beyond Words Pub.
Published: 1993-06-19T19:00:00+00:00

110 John Gray

rigid and opinionated. This is not only offensive to a man, but threatening. It tells him there is no room for his ideas to be true and that his differing point of view is not being appreciated. While she thinks she is making sense to him, he becomes angry and "dumps out" his negative emotions.

On the other hand, if a man just dumps out his negative feelings without considering his partner's point of view objectively, he can create in her serious defensiveness. Here again, she will tend to be opinionated and rigid. From this perspective, arguments are a "no win" situation and should be avoided.

In an argument, a man can sometimes just dump out all of his negative emotions and feel much better, but leave the woman feeling like a wreck. He can easily apologize for all the mean things he said, and expects her to forget it, just as he has. That is easier said than done. She will probably remember what was said and the pain it caused her for a long time.

In a similar way, if a woman becomes very opinionated, critical, and controlling, it can shut a man down for days. He generally does not know what happened, but he does know that he doesn't want to be open to her again. He decides to keep his thoughts to himself.

Both men and women are vulnerable to arguments, but they are unaware of the injurious effect they have on each other when they argue. The impact of arguments should not be taken lightly. Although the parties are not physically damaging each other, on a psychological level they are bruising each other and it takes time to heal. The closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.

Because men derive their power from their objective analysis of a situation, they are naturally unaware of how delicate and vulnerable a woman's feelings are. He does not sustain his sense of self through his feelings. Hence, he will disregard her feelings as if they are not important, and stress what he experiences as important, namely, his ideas and beliefs. When a man is emotionally upset he is generally incapable of arguing in a way that would not hurt a woman's feelings. Furthermore, men commonly have no idea of how they hurt a woman's feelings. It is as though they are the proverbial bull in a china shop.

It is equally true, but less known, that women can hurt men with their rigid opinions. One disapproving comment like "you should have" from an upset or defensive woman can stop a man dead in his tracks. Men just instinctively shut down. One minute he is open and

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