Marriage Rules by Harriet Lerner

Author:Harriet Lerner [Lerner, Harriet]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781101554210
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2012-01-04T16:00:00+00:00

Lesbian and gay couples get stuck in the same dance. One partner keeps pursuing until it’s too painful, at which point he or she retreats into cold withdrawal. The sexually reluctant partner is too exhausted, too angry about something, worried that the kids may come in, isn’t a “night person” or “morning person,” or doesn’t feel enough trust. Escaping traditional gender roles doesn’t mean escaping traditional problems.

When the pursuer-distancer dance becomes rigidly fixed, both parties dread getting into bed at night. The bed becomes a place of tension and pain. The pursuer feels devastated by the constant rejection. The distancer may be afraid to even put her arms around her partner and be physically affectionate because this may be interpreted as a “mixed message” that she wants sex, which will then trigger some kind of uncomfortable or angry interaction. Out of bed as well, things are apt to go less smoothly than they might, and irritability runs high.

If there are two “yes” partners, or two “no partners,” there’s obviously no problem. On the other hand, one “yes” partner and one “no” partner is a problem so common that you can think of it as normal, which doesn’t mean it’s good for your relationship. If either you or your partner is in pain about the pursuer-distancer dance, you need to understand that continuing these moves will only bring you more pain. Appreciating the need to do something different is an important first step.

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