Love Yourself and It Doesn't Matter Who You Marry by Eva-Maria Zurhorst

Author:Eva-Maria Zurhorst
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family & Relationships: Marriage
Publisher: Hay House
Published: 2007-04-25T16:00:00+00:00

7

Three’s always a crowd

Relationship routines, the monotony of marriage, a silver wedding anniversary approaching… Everything is heavy, listless, tedious, lifeless. We know our partner’s every move, know in advance how our conversations, fewer by the day, will go. We don’t even raise issues any more, because we have heard the unsatisfactory answers all too often. We sense, and hear, criticism of ourselves and how we behave. We feel restricted and unnoticed. We have tried to get closer to our partner again and again and come up against an invisible wall. We have wanted to connect and instead been rebuffed by withdrawal and silence. Or rejected by judgements and demands.

Of course, we also share some good times, as a matter of routine. A lot functions automatically, and on important issues we can take our consensus for granted. And sometimes we are overcome by the memories of our first weeks together or we smile at an unexpected erotic touch. But then we become aware of the dull Here and Now again, and dream of exciting and unpredictable encounters. We feel like the German ex-minister who yearned for life. But as soon as we become aware of our dreams, we pull ourselves up sharply. We need to keep things going, so we push our dreams back down to the bottom of the iceberg and instead flick through the TV listings for a gripping programme.

And then, apparently quite out of the blue, a stranger comes into our life and we feel like new. All our boundaries seem to dissolve and we are ready for adventure. At last we can live and love again.

With a lover we frequently experience an intensity of emotion and an uninhibited sexuality that we have rarely known, and hardly ever during our marriage. We feel electric – alive and vibrant. Our body pulses with passion and a huge river of excitement and arousal takes us out of our mundane world. It is as if a swathe of sunlight has broken through the heavy fog of our normal family life.

We can’t really make any decisions, can’t plan, and definitely can’t integrate anything of this into our everyday life. As if in a fever we wait for the next phone call, the next meeting, the next touch. The secret lover works like insulin for a diabetic. We need our regular dose, otherwise our vitality levels will drop. Without a regular supply, we are in danger of sinking back into the unbearable routine of everyday life. It would seem like a return to captivity, to that domestic prison in which we were always asking: ‘Is this it?’

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