Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw

Author:Dr. Phil McGraw
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Free Press

You’ve got to be a little bit of a mystery, unpredictable as to whether or not you are there. You need to have your own extracurriculars, or be passionate about your work, or have something else that interests you besides your relationship, so that he sometimes has to fight for your attention.

If you don’t make him work for it, if you don’t make him feel that he is earning his position every step of the way, I promise you it’s sweet poison. He might just totally buy into the unconditional acceptance at first, and you’ll be riding high, thinking you’ve got this man all wrapped up; but take my word, if he thinks you worship at the altar of him, he will absolutely start taking you for granted and lose interest. So for the sake of your future, make him understand that he needs to compete for time on your schedule. If he knows you’re waiting by the phone and can be ready for him with five minutes’ notice, then he’s always going to call you five minutes before a date.

4. Needy Neds

What It Is: As I described in the “Caveman” section, men live in a world they often define as a highly competitive, dog-eat-dog, scorekeeping environment. They need validation from their friends, their colleagues, their families—but the validation from the woman they love is the kind they value the most. When a guy comes home, he wants and needs to be accepted and to feel that the woman in his life is proud of the way he works, fathers, looks and so forth. It’s his catnip. But he will seldom ask for praise and may not even consciously recognize that it is highly important to his feelings of self-worth and well-being.

The fact that he has needs is, of course, actually a good thing and certainly not anything for him to be ashamed of or upset about. Identifying the priorities within his needs system can be an important thing for you to do in developing a relationship. The problem is that men often lack insight into their needs, and therefore have a difficult time articulating them or even so much as admitting that they exist. On the other hand, there are men who are so needy, so whiny, that meeting their needs is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. You want to be needed, but you do not want to be sucked dry.

What It Means to You: You and I both know that needs are nothing to be ashamed of, but don’t try to tell that to most guys. Men don’t talk about needs, because, as I said, deep down most men believe they are weaknesses. So it’s hard for women to know what a man’s needs are. Because men can’t or won’t talk about them, much of your job is to go on a quest to discover what your man’s most prominent needs are. Once you identify these needs and see that they are relatively healthy, your goal is to figure out a way to meet them.

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