Love Skills by Linda Carroll

Author:Linda Carroll
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608686247
Publisher: New World Library
Published: 2020-01-11T16:00:00+00:00

Using “And” Instead of “But”

The next essential element of mindful communication involves a recognition and acceptance of more than one truth. One of the biggest obstacles people face when trying to establish effective communication is thinking that someone has to be wrong for someone to be right. This applies whether the topic is chores, child-rearing, love, politics, religion, or anything else. Psychologists often refer to this dualistic thinking as polarization.

On a larger scale, polarization can occur between ethnic groups, countries, or political factions and lead to disastrous events like war. In couples, polarization happens on a smaller scale, but it can still be intense. Two people may argue about how to spend money or what to do with leisure time, or one partner may want more connection and togetherness while the other seeks more distance and autonomy. When people try to change, convince, or overpower each other to get their way, they often do so at the cost of intimacy and goodwill.

To manage this, consider the difference between the word but and the word and. In a conversation that includes two truths, one gets canceled out when the word but is used:

“I know you feel strongly about taking a vacation, but I don’t think this is the right time.”

“I love you, but I don’t feel like making love tonight.”

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