Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationshis by Kathy Labriola

Author:Kathy Labriola [Labriola, Kathy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Psychology, Interpersonal Relations, polyamory
ISBN: 9780937609477
Google: dIrulYYsZdcC
Amazon: B005CIZ33Y
Publisher: Greenery Press
Published: 2011-03-28T06:00:00+00:00

10: Are You In Poly Hell?: Common Pitfalls In Open Relationships

Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance. This event can end beautifully or terribly, depending on the skills and motivations of all the individuals involved. Here are some of the most common problems that develop in this situation, and some ideas for either avoiding them or effectively addressing them should they arise.

New Relationship Energy

The most typical poly dilemmas are take place when one partner devotes too much time and energy to an outside relationship and to some extent ignores or neglects the partner at home.

On the one hand, this is understandable. A new romance, even if casual or "secondary,” is often imbued with that infamous "New Relationship Energy,” or NRE, which involves a lot of fantasy and projection. When we first get involved with someone, we don't know them very well yet and do not know all their bad habits and annoying behaviors, so it's easy to imagine them to be the perfect person and ideal romantic partner we have been longing for. There is an unbeatable combination of novelty, mystery, and chemistry, mixed with our own romantic fantasies and the fact that our new partner is on their best behavior and trying to impress us by exhibiting their most attractive qualities. So there is some excuse for getting distracted by the "shiny new toy” aspect of a hot new love affair, wanting to spend a lot of time exploring this new person, thinking about them obsessively.

In an open relationship, the existing primary relationship most often involves living together and sharing chores, bills, kids, and all the stresses of everyday life. It is tough for that long-term couple relationship to deliver the intensity and excitement of a new, responsibility-free relationship. Ironically, part of the problem is that the new relationship makes you realize that your primary relationship is not quite as hot and wild as it was in the beginning, and that contrast creates nostalgia and longing for the mad passion you once experienced.

On the other hand, it is understandable that the partner who is left at home will feel extremely hurt and threatened by this new relationship that seems to be taking over your life. So some compromise must be struck between the compelling desire to bask in this fun and exciting new experience and the primary partner's need for reassurance, security, and attention.

The most common problems growing out of this tension between competing needs are what I call demotion, displacement, and intrusion. I will discuss each of these problems briefly.

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