Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer

Author:Brenda Schaeffer [Schaeffer, Brenda]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Psychopathology, Compulsive Behavior, Love & Romance, Love, Psychology, Codependency, Substance Abuse & Addictions, General, Family & Relationships, Interpersonal Relations, Self-Help, Relationship addiction
ISBN: 9781592857333
Publisher: Hazelden
Published: 1987-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

Carly's Story

"In a fouryear period, my husband and I changed our residence three times, moving about eight hundred miles each time. Two of the moves were made to enhance his career. Although I had a choice in these decisions, I acted out of fear and duty rather than free choice. After the third move, I was angry about having to put together a résumé and find a job each time we relocated. And when I had to coach my husband on how to vie for a job he really wanted, I thought, Stop, Carly.

What do you want from your life? You're living through him.

"As I started looking for a job after our third move, I was angry and depressed. I had always been a happy person before; I wanted that contentment back. I got the name of a counselor and began to find out why I wasn't content. Among the things I found was that I Page 127

needed to learn how to be a separate person from my family, my husband, and my friends. I needed to find out who I was. I thought I had already done that.

"I began to learn that I thought Dave's and most other people's feelings and needs came before my own. I also gave others the kind of power I had granted to my parents as a child. I had believed I was responsible for their thoughts and feelings. Because I believed other people knew better, I hardly trusted my own thoughts and feelings, or my ability to make major decisions or to solve problems. Thus, my life fit well with Dave's, who believed his needs came first and that he had to take care of me and do the thinking and decision making for both of us.

"I also discovered that because anger had not been expressed in either of our families, we weren't truly honest with one another when a problem arose.

"I didn't feel I could ever be mistaken; I thought I had to be perfect. If I did bungle something, I thought something was wrong with me. Dave was also very concerned with perfection and was very critical of any mistakes he or I made. Therefore, I avoided making risky decisions and trying out new things because I was afraid of Dave's reactions.

"I relied on Dave to meet most of my needs, yet I didn't know how to ask for things. I expected him to read my mind. Once I did learn to ask, it seemed like he wasn't available for comfort and support. I didn't know how he felt most of the time because he didn't express his feelings. When I'd ask him how he felt, he often said he didn't know. I also learned through counseling that I often did the feeling for both of us, and let my feelings control me.

"When I shared my discoveries about myself with Dave, he listened, but he didn't understand or accept all of them. I was learning to feel and express anger, and I was learning to act appropriately on my feelings and not always suppress them.

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