Invisible Storm by Jason Kander

Author:Jason Kander
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2022-04-28T00:00:00+00:00

DIANA

I had a recurring nightmare about being responsible for the end of Jason’s career. We’d be on one of those ferries that goes out to the Statue of Liberty. Around us, people were crowded in like sardines. This attractive woman standing next to us would lean in and sniff Jason. And feeling a wave of emotion and no way to control it, I would bite her on the cheek. She’d look at me, astonished, cover her cheek with her hand, and run off to show the wound to everyone, and that would be it—everyone knew Jason Kander’s wife was a feral maniac. That was the end of his career.

I was so worried about getting in the way that I’d try to be as careful as possible. I never mentioned to anyone the struggles Jason was going through. I made every effort to avoid doing anything professionally that might have the slightest appearance of impropriety.

I tried to be the best supportive spouse that I could be, but there was no denying that my anxiety and anger were growing. I felt isolated and alone, like I had no footing. I felt like an outsider looking at all of the things Team Kander was doing. Not only did I no longer feel like I was really on the team, I felt like the team saw me as a liability, or even worse, a rival. That was very disheartening.

I was also confused by interactions with Jason. At night, we’d be talking about something inconsequential like the dishes, and suddenly we’d be arguing. I wouldn’t understand why, or even what we were arguing about. We’re both experienced debaters, but he would swerve from topic to topic so fast, I couldn’t follow him. All I knew was that he was angry and I was angry too. The only way out seemed to be a complete shutdown, a withdrawal, and a hope that things would be better in the morning.

I really wanted to get more exercise. Not to get into shape, but to shut down my brain. I desperately craved the calming effect of exhaustion that I had discovered when I did mixed martial arts back when Jason was in Afghanistan. But it was hard to figure out the logistics with a baby at home and Jason on the road. Toward the end of summer, I cleared out the dining room (we never used it anyway) and put in a rowing machine that I borrowed from Stephen. Every night I rowed for a good thirty to forty-five minutes—no music, no headphones, so I could hear the baby or any other sound. Rowing and rowing in silence. It was my only reprieve.

* * *

Of course, the thing that dramatically altered my campaign came back to my army training. In the field, I had never once needed to strip and rebuild my rifle blindfolded. But I could do it—I’d cleaned my rifle in the dark plenty of times. So we decided to make a video of me as I did so, while chatting amiably about why I supported gun control.

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