In Each Other's Care by Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT

Author:Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT [Tatkin, Stan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FAM051000 FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Dating, FAM013000 FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Conflict Resolution
Publisher: Sounds True

4. The 2020–2021 pandemic led people to seek medication for anxiety, sleep, and depression. We experienced a suicide crisis among young and older people. The isolation most of us felt along with the inability to hug friends and family and meet and talk with people live and in person was traumatizing.

5. Friendly reminder: this is not legal in all fifty states.

Chapter 9

Mismanaging Thirds

The mismanagement of thirds is perhaps one of the biggest issues facing all couples. As previously discussed, a third is anything or anyone who is not part of the couple unit. Primary attachment partners—most often a twosome—typically do not appreciate becoming secondary or tertiary to their primary partner. These partnerships generally expect exclusivity, or primacy, with regard to third objects, people, tasks, and interests. Of course, the matter of exclusivity is one that must be hammered out and made explicit to avoid mishaps and misunderstandings. However, beware of a basic belief in primacy involving a two-person system of interdependence. Partners enjoying a third or two may not be problematic; that is, unless you are the other partner.

Jealousy is the experience of perceiving that something is in danger of being taken away. Jealousy involves threes. I jealously guard my relationship with my child, and you threaten it. Or, I jealously protect my financial belongings for fear someone will cheat me out of what’s mine.

In the case of primary relationships, partners are jealous of their relationship stations and entitlements. This is a matter of security within the system. We might blame a jealous partner for their immaturity, paranoia, or possessiveness—and we often do—but if partners understand attachment bonds and attitudes of primacy, blaming an insecure partner amounts to gaslighting.

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