Imperfect Control by Judith Viorst;

Author:Judith Viorst;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster

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Varieties of Surrender

An assumption shared by many theories in social psychology is that control over one’s behavioral outcomes is desirable, and that individuals strive for mastery over their environment. . . . However, there are many life situations in which there is no possibility of exerting control.

—Wortman and Brehm, “Responses to Uncontrollable Outcomes”

In good times and bad times, we who value control expect to control the central circumstances of our life. We establish goals and actively strive to achieve them. We acknowledge—when we mess up—responsibility. We try again when things don’t go as planned. Some people, however, don’t want to possess, or don’t believe that they can possess, control. Destiny rules them with a mysterious hand. This lack of control may be an abdication or moral failing, but not all the time and not necessarily. For even we lovers of control can see (or certainly ought to be able to see) that sometimes we need to back off, back down, let go, give up, give in, submit, surrender.

There are many ways of giving up control.

Surrendering control is sometimes good sense and sometimes bad news. It sometimes enriches and sometimes constricts and destroys. It may be unconscious or conscious, eagerly chosen or reluctantly accepted. It may be imposed.

There are many reasons for giving up control.

We insist, “It isn’t my fault” or “They made me do it.”

We insist, “I did it because I was scared not to do it.”

We insist, “I’m helpless, I’m powerless, I can’t do it.”

We insist we can’t do it because, “I’d be out of line.”

We say to ourselves, “It’s impossible to do it.”

We say to ourselves, “I’ll fail if I try to do it.”

We say to ourselves, “I shouldn’t have to do it.”

We say to ourselves, “This is their problem, not mine.”

Or we say to ourselves, “For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.”

We also may say a pragmatic “It’s out of my hands,” a reverential “Thy will be done,” a defeated “You win; I lose,” or a defensive “I was only following orders.”

We also may say, as my young friend Emmet told his Courtney on their wedding day, “I give my heart in sweet surrender.”

There are many different varieties of surrender.

There are many different ways to surrender control.

• • •

Social psychologists talk about our sense of having (or not having) control in terms of a concept called “locus of control,” distinguishing those who believe in an internal locus of control from those who possess external control beliefs. Comparing the two, psychologist Herbert Lefcourt says that internals (sometimes called “Origins”) “perceive events as being largely contingent upon their personal efforts,” while externals (sometimes called “Pawns”) tend to “feel more fatalistic about the manner in which outcomes occur.” But we’re also told to keep in mind that control beliefs can be variable and reversible.

For people who act like internals in some situations will sometimes act like externals in others—like the powerful CEO who always reverts to the obedient child when he visits his mother. And people’s control perspectives can change in response to other changes in their life.

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