I Dream He Talks to Me by Allison Moorer

Author:Allison Moorer [Moorer, Allison]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2021-10-12T00:00:00+00:00

It may be an attempt to gain attention.

Yes, it may be. How can I come up with more attention to give? If I’m sitting right beside him on an airplane with a bag of gummy bears in my hand to dole out in exchange for good behavior, am I not attending sufficiently? We sit in the bulkhead of the plane if we can so there’s nothing going on in front of us. I can’t control the sounds, the smells, or the amount of people on the plane.

After the cause is identified, remove it.

I cannot remove the world.

I cannot predict his every need before it arises, and even when it does.

We cannot parachute out of the airplane, though I’ve fantasized about just such a thing.

Should I shave my head?

Is he testing me? He could be angry with me about something that I did or didn’t do. He may be emotionally hurt or someone might have mistreated him somehow and I didn’t see it. My guilt takes over—if only I could do this better. If only I were better at shielding him from the onslaught just being here brings. If only I didn’t insist on living my life and kept him off of four-hour flights.

I again work the FBA. I know he has no deep, hidden agendas. Though the causes for my behavior and responses to the world and even this may be rooted in dark emotional corners, his may not be. There is only survival for him in these moments. And how I respond is, sadly, probably always triage—I can only bandage, not heal. Everything I do to assuage whatever effect is being displayed does nothing to rid him of the cause, the cause that is hidden from me. I want nothing more than to take whatever it is away.

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