How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating by Henry Cloud; John Townsend

Author:Henry Cloud; John Townsend
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Conversation, Confrontation, Communication
ISBN: 9780310267140
Publisher: Zondervan
Published: 2003-01-01T22:00:00+00:00

PART IV

Getting YOURSELF READY to Have the Conversation

19

Why You Need to Be Ready

How did it go?” I (Henry) asked Sandy, my client.“Terrible!” she replied. “In fact, I don’t really want to talk about it because it went so poorly. I’m embarrassed.” I could tell from her body language and expression that this was true.

Sandy was talking about the confrontation she had had with her boyfriend, Rollie. After struggling with the relationship for about six months, she had finally decided to tell him that although she thought they had a lot of good things going, some of his behavior patterns hurt her and he had ignored her when she had told him about them.

Rollie was often inconsiderate with time. Sometimes he would pick her up for a date an hour late, without calling first. Other times, he would not plan anything until the last minute and then expect her to go with him. Also, he often seemed to put his interests way above concern for the relationship. In addition, he put a lot of pressure on her to go past where she felt comfortable in their physical relationship.

In the few times we had met, Sandy had talked about how stressful this relationship was. It was clear to her that she needed to have a serious talk with Rollie and set some limits. Before, when she had talked with Rollie about his hurtful patterns of behavior, he had not listened. This time she had planned to tell him she wanted them to take some time off from each other while he thought about the things that distressed her. Then they could get back together and talk to see if he was ready to take her concerns seriously.

“What does ‘not very well’ mean?” I asked. “You mean he didn’t take it well? What happened? Did he get upset or explode or something?”

“No, nothing like that,” she said. “Nothing like that at all. He was really nice, his most charming self. He was the person I had liked from the beginning.”

“So what went wrong? Sounds like he wasn’t too hard to deal with after all. How did the breakup go? Did you tell him?”

“Yes, I did,” she said. “I told him all the things I had been thinking and that I needed some time apart.”

“So far so good,” I said. “So why did you say it went ‘terrible’? Sounds like you were doing fine. Good start. How did it end?”

“I slept with him,” she said sheepishly, like a very ashamed little girl. I could tell that the shame was not only about having sex with Rollie. It was also about her lack of ability to take a stand in the conversation. She knew she had caved in and failed herself.

“Oh . . . ,” I said, not really knowing what else to say. I certainly did not want to make her feel guiltier. It was clear that she was feeling guilty enough. I felt sorrow for her more than anything. I could tell that

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