He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter

Author:Steven Carter [Carter, Steven]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-76347-1
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2010-08-25T07:00:00+00:00

SEXUAL CONTROL/SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

“The first couple of months were great, and then he started having this desire problem.”

“We have wonderful sex, and then she doesn’t want me to spend the night.”

“He has all these silly rules. We can’t have sex on two consecutive days because that’s like being married.”

* * *

Commitmentphobia isn’t about sexual conquest for the sake of putting another notch in the belt. Yet sexual seduction often plays a key role in the way active avoiders attempt to establish control of the relationship. Sex can be used to establish intimacy, and it can also be used to avoid intimacy. Sex can bring a couple closer together or push them farther apart. In short, sex is probably the most effective way of controlling both intimacy and distance within a relationship.

At the beginning of a commitmentphobic relationship men and women with active conflicts tend to be overwhelmingly seductive, typically establishing an intense and frequently obsessive sexual involvement. This is not necessarily limited to the act of making love, although men and women with active conflicts are often stellar lovers. It is a romantic, fantasy-driven sexual connection that partners typically describe as obsessive.

The level of sexual interest and involvement usually stays relatively high until the person with active conflicts begins to feel stuck or trapped. Then we are sometimes reminded that there is another way to use sex to control a relationship: withholding it. Behaving in this way can create a huge obstacle on the path to commitment. And it’s deceptive, because it rarely appears to be motivated by commitment issues.

Withholding sexually can be far more complicated than “having a headache.” For example:

He or she may be highly seductive and yet unwilling or unable to be sexually engaged.

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