HE'S SCARED, SHE'S SCARED by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol

Author:Steven Carter & Julia Sokol [Carter, Steven]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations
ISBN: 9780984975792
Publisher: Carter/Sokol
Published: 2012-06-21T04:00:00+00:00

He or she may be highly seductive and yet unwilling or unable to be sexually engaged.

He or she may suddenly lose interest or "desire."

He or she may place restrictions on frequency or duration or suddenly behave in a more repressed manner.

He or she may be unfaithful as a means of distancing a partner or reducing intimacy within the primary relationship.

He or she may begin to communicate sexual dissatisfaction.

Since this behavior usually reflects a major change in attitude, it typically causes the other partner to become extraordinarily anxious and insecure about the relationship. Remember that some of the most powerful double messages in a commitmentphobic relationship revolve around sex.

Zack, thirty-three, describes a relationship in which a changed attitude toward sex presented an insurmountable boundary. You will also note that his story contains a great many sexual mixed messages.

"When Helene and I met, sex was definitely the major component in our relationship. The first three months we were together, the sex never stopped. I was traveling a lot at the time, and whenever I'd get back from the road, we couldn't get enough of each other. Daytime, nighttime, my car, her car, my apartment, her apartment, the Jacuzzi, the bathtub, the floor, the kitchen counter. She wanted it more than I did—though I definitely did want it. That's what made the whole thing seem so nuts.

"There was something else about her that was weird. She had this picture of some other guy on her bedside table. She would keep telling me that I was the best lover she ever had, so I asked her once why, if that was the case, did she keep some other guy's picture there. She said she loved me, but she wouldn't move his picture. It was almost as if she did it on purpose, to keep me on edge. When we made love in her bed, I would make her turn it toward the wall.

"The sex between us stopped being great almost from the moment that I stopped traveling. That's when she stopped wanting it. First she said she was depressed. Then she said that her needs had changed, that sex wasn't as important to her anymore. We went from making love every available moment to making love once a week, twice at the most.

"First I was sympathetic, then I got crazy. It made me want her so bad, it's embarrassing to think about it. I would scream, I would beg, I would buy her presents like it was going out of style. Nothing worked. At one point I actually had to get her to make appointments to be with me for sex. Otherwise she would avoid it completely. I felt tortured. Sex became the focus of my day. My work came to a standstill.

"The pitiful part is that I didn't need to have sex that much. I just couldn't handle the change in her. I didn't understand, and it made me a basket case. The only thing that had changed was my availability. Once I stopped traveling, I was there for her.

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