Heaven and Mel (Kindle Single) by Joe Eszterhas

Author:Joe Eszterhas [Eszterhas, Joe]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2012-06-06T00:00:00+00:00

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WE'RE GOING TO DINNER at Maura and Sean's house in Agoura Hills. Mel is driving his little Smart Car and we're following in our rental. It's dark and the road is winding and precarious. Mel is driving at over 70 miles per hour.

We try to keep up with him, but then we give up. Neither Naomi nor I is suicidal and we have four boys waiting for us at home. So Mel has to stop dead in the darkness on a two-lane road and wait for us.

Maura and Sean work as the caretakers of Mel's church. Hutton lives nearby too with his second wife. The church, only a block or so from their houses, is literally the centerpiece of their lives.

There are religious statues — even one of St. Elizabeth of Hungary — all over Maura and Sean's house.

It is a festive family dinner. Sean and Maura have made a wonderful roast and there are bottles of good red wine, which Mel doesn't drink. Mel sits at the head of the table and is the object of their attention. It is obvious how much his family loves him, how much Maura is devoted to him.

Mel stares at me a moment and then he starts to laugh. He jumps up from his chair and says, "You! You!" He points to me and can't stop laughing. "'Sacred Cows,'" he says, "You wrote 'Sacred Cows'!"

He's right. I did indeed. A long time ago, in 1989, I wrote a script about the president of the United States, a farm boy from Nebraska, who, in a moment of extreme nostalgia, ripped out of his skull on Jack Daniels, commits a sexual indiscretion with a cow.

The script, obviously, was never made. But it became one of the most famous unproduced scripts in Hollywood. Steven Spielberg, of all people, almost directed it, as did Milos Forman, and a long list of others. Stanley Kubrick almost produced it and sent me a note that said, "This is one of the funniest scripts I've ever read, but I don't want to get within a thousand miles of it."

And Ed Limato, Mel's agent, I learn now, sent it to Mel to play the president. But Limato also said, "You've got to read this, it's hilarious, but there's no way I will let you do it."

Mel can't stop laughing and I explain to the others what the script was about, even as I'm thinking: Wouldn't that have been something! Mel Gibson as the president who pops a cow… years before he directs "The Passion of the Christ."

"I still remember that script!" Mel keeps saying. "I still remember it!"

I wonder if Mel's thinking: Here's the guy who wrote a script about the president of the United States having sex with a cow … talking to me about writing a biblical epic about the Maccabees.

After dinner, Maura says to Naomi, "I pray every day that Mel and Joe make it to the end of this journey — two such strong personalities.

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