Heartwounds by Tian Dayton

Author:Tian Dayton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Health Communications Inc
Published: 2023-01-24T00:00:00+00:00

Pockets of Pain

Most relationships do not fall apart in total—they fall apart in pieces. Parts of the relationship function well, while other parts are problematic, mired in sick dynamics that make the relationship feel as if it is all bad. Identifying and working with the particular part or dynamic of the relationship that has “fallen ill” can restore health to the overall relationship. No relationship is perfect, nor is that an appropriate goal. What we want to do is bring the parts of the relationship that are problematic to a conscious level, where they can be worked with and resolved so that they no longer have the power to undermine the overall health of the relationship.

People heal in layers. People are works in progress—so are relationships. Each time we recover another piece of self or another piece of the relationship, we also recover another piece of the puzzle that was missing in order to gain a clearer view and a fuller understanding of what went wrong. Then we can translate that learning onto the practical stage of living. We integrate that new learning into the self and the relationship so that we function better. Then another layer comes to the surface for reexamination. We process and resolve that, then integrate it. And so it goes: Layer by layer, sickness is removed and health is restored.

For several decades many in society have seen the solution to solving relationship problems as leaving one relationship and starting a new one. Though at times this may be necessary, all too often people learn that the same problems often surface in subsequent partnerships. Why is this? For people who have been traumatized or deeply hurt in particular areas of their personality during early childhood relationships, there is an unconscious drive to reenact that pain. Why? There are many theories on this, ranging from an attempt to master the original conflict to reen-acting a script imprinted on the brain. As we discuss in this book, it is in bringing these wounded parts of self to consciousness, where they can be felt and seen for what their reality is, that healing takes place. When pain is felt rather than denied, and looked at rather than repressed, it can be seen in a new light, understood and reintegrated into the unconscious with new awareness attached. We can then engage in corrective experiences that can add new, healthier memories alongside the old ones. Thus, the power fueling the drive toward reenactment is reduced.

All this work is done layer by layer, and relationships act as the vehicle that both stimulates the old wound and gives it a place to heal. Trauma is, remember, an “interruption of the affiliative bond” or the relationship bond. It needs to be healed in a relationship. Intimate relationships then offer an opportunity for growth and healing as well as an arena for reenactment. Using relationships as a path toward personal healing gives them a spiritual focus that benefits the relationship and the people in it.

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