Hate Cake by Alina Jacobs

Author:Alina Jacobs [Jacobs, Alina]
Language: eng
Format: epub

4

CARL

“Oh my god!” Libby said in disbelief, hands shaking as she untied the string around the envelope. “I’m being sued. I can’t be sued. I can’t do this! I don’t have any money to hire a lawyer. I don’t have any money to pay my credit card bill. Oh my god, Doug, what are we going to do?”

“You’ll flee to Canada,” Gardenia insisted and pulled out a suitcase covered in what looked like shellacked gummy worms.

What the fuck? This woman is absolutely insane.

“You,” I said, cutting through her hysterics, “are a disaster.”

Libby froze and turned to face me.

“As well as disorganized,” I said, ticking off the adjectives with my fingers, “you are ill-prepared and impulsive. I would say that it’s a wonder how you’ve made it this far in life, but looking around, it’s clear that you haven’t made it far at all.”

“I have a dog and an apartment,” she shot at me.

“And a swell roommate,” Gardenia added.

I focused my gaze on Libby so I wouldn’t have to stare at the elderly woman’s naked torso.

“You have nothing,” I told Libby, “and what’s worse is that you can’t even seem to acknowledge the fact.”

“Oh, so you want me to stand here and thank you for gracing me with your presence and offering to be a finance-bro version of Marie Kondo?” Libby said hotly. “As if. I like my life the way it is. I don’t need you.”

“The fact that you just got sued proves my point. You should be on your knees begging for me to help you get your life together. Instead, you’re sitting here arguing with me while what is left of your miserable little existence goes up in flames around you.”

“Screw you!” Libby shouted, waving the envelope at me. “You come in here with your suit and your briefcase and your money and you think that you’re superior to me.”

“Yes,” I said, “I am, if only for the fact that I didn’t just have to pull my overweight corgi out of a shoddily made sculpture of female genitalia.”

“This is a two-hundred-thousand-dollar art piece,” Libby insisted.

“I’ll give you a discount though, Carl,” Gardenia offered, “because you’re hot.”

“He’s not hot,” Libby hissed at the elderly woman.

“Yes, he is,” Gardenia stage-whispered. “You should bang him.” The elderly woman cupped one bony hand to her mouth. “Libby has piercings in her—”

Libby clapped a hand over the elderly woman’s mouth.

“You’re not wanted here, Carl, so get out. I have to deal with this lawsuit.”

“If you were my ward, I’d deal with it for you,” I said.

She wavered slightly.

Maybe the property could still be mine.

But Libby set her head stubbornly. “I’d rather stick my head in this vagina sculpture.” She stuck her tongue out.

It was pierced.

I wonder how that would feel against your…

Don’t. Your brothers were right. She is not worth the trouble.

“You know what?” I said to Libby. “Fine. Exist in your own filth and inadequacy. Don’t come crying to me for help when you inevitably crash and burn. When I see you living in a box on the street, I’ll be sure to toss you a dollar.

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