Getting It by Allison Moon

Author:Allison Moon [Moon, Allison]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, pdf
Publisher: Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale
Published: 2020-12-29T00:00:00+00:00

Lapses in communication and collaboration are where harm happens.

When we go on autopilot and forget to check in with our partner…

When we intentionally or accidentally violate a boundary…

When we forget to ask for clarity and step into an awkward situation…

When we ignore the needs or desires of a partner because we are too invested in our own good time…

…we can do harm.

Like most everything, harm exists on a spectrum. On one end, everything’s A-OK and no one is harmed. On the opposite end is intentional, cruel, and violent harm. Most choices we make fall somewhere in between the two. Because of the complexity of sex, and the intersecting natures of hearts, egos, bodies, trauma, and identity, it can be painfully easy to cause harm.

Keep in mind that you don’t get to decide how harmed someone else feels. You can’t control other people’s feelings, you can only control the choices you make when faced with them. Also, understand that harm is deeply contextual. If a dear friend accidentally misgenders me, odds are good I’ll get over it quickly. If, however, someone elbow-checks me in the grocery store and says, “Excuse me, SIR!” (yes, that happened), I might feel a bit more harmed. Same offense, different context. Again, only you get to decide how hurt you feel by the incident.

If you’ve been harmed, there are varying ways of dealing with it. Some methods better suit the situation than others. Be cautious about putting anyone on blast right away. If you think the person who hurt you is a menace who needs to be called out publicly, that’s your decision to make. However, if you just need to be seen and validated, there are better ways to do it than taking to social media. Getting a bunch of strangers worked up online may feel righteous, but it won’t repair harm, it won’t heal your wounds, and it often creates far more pain for everyone involved, especially the harmed parties. Instead, consider enlisting support from your community, requesting a restorative justice or accountability process (see this page), and finding ways to get the witnessing you need. Once you’ve done that, what’s the best way to tell an otherwise decent person they hurt you, possibly by accident?

Acknowledge your feelings. If it feels like a big deal, it doesn’t do any good to convince yourself it’s not. You’re allowed to feel violated, betrayed, angry, or whatever. Your feelings are valid.

Investigate what went wrong from your perspective. Did you want to speak up but couldn’t? Did you speak up but they didn’t hear you? Did you think everything was fine but realized after the fact that it wasn’t? Get clear on when and how the misstep happened.

When you’re ready, have the conversation. If you think you need a friend or mediator for support, by all means, get them involved. You can write down your experience, too, and it can be good to follow up your conversation with everything in writing.

Try the Difficult Conversation Formula. Again, it’s:

I have something to tell you.

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