Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work by M.D. David D. Burns

Author:M.D. David D. Burns [David D. Burns, M.D.]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Relationships, Mate Seeking, Parenting & Relationships, Fitness & Dieting, Conflict Resolution, Parenting, Interpersonal Relations, Health, Self-Help, Family Relationships
ISBN: 9780767930901
Publisher: Harmony
Published: 2008-12-30T16:00:00+00:00

“I Feel” Statements

We've already discussed the fact that skillful listening requires a certain amount of self-disclosure so you'll sound natural and real. However, you can't just bombard the other person with your own point of view and expect some good to come out of it. That's the mistake that the assertiveness training movement made: focusing excessively on the importance of asserting your own wants, needs, and feelings in a kind of self-centered way. Assertiveness sounds great on paper, but it doesn't always work in real-world situations. You've probably noticed that often, when you try to express your own feelings or point of view, the other person simply will not listen. For example, your spouse may get defensive and insist that you don't know what you're talking about.

How can you express your feelings so that people will listen? “I Feel” Statements can be very helpful. If you review the Five Secrets of Effective Communication on page 98, you'll see that when you use “I Feel” Statements, you express your own thoughts and feelings openly and directly, using words that clearly describe your emotions. For example, you might say, “I'm feeling frustrated,” or “I'm upset.” This is different from saying, “You're wrong,” or “You're making me upset.” These are classic examples of “You” Statements.

“You” Statements place blame and put people on the defensive. In contrast, when you use “I Feel” Statements, you're simply informing people about how you think and feel, and you're maintaining ownership of those feelings.

I don't like to reduce things to simple formulas because formulaic statements don't sound genuine; however, a formula can point you in the right direction, as long as you don't apply the formula too literally or mechanically. The formula for an “I Feel” Statement is similar to the approach I described for Feeling Empathy, except that you talk about your own feelings. You can say, “I feel X, Y, or Z,” where X, Y, and Z refer to Feeling Words from the chart on page 78. Here are some specific examples of “I Feel” Statements:

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