Eight Dates by John Gottman

Author:John Gottman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Workman Publishing Company
Published: 2018-11-28T23:52:50+00:00

I commit to creating our own romantic rituals for connection, and creating more passion outside of the bedroom by expressing my affection and love for you. I commit to having a 6-second kiss every time we say goodbye or hello to each other for the next week. I commit to discussing, exploring, and renewing our sexual relationship.

Date

4

The Cost of Love

Work & Money

Adam and Trevor have been married for a little over two years, but have been living together for five. They looked forward to going on the money date, because money has been an issue between them since they first began dating. Adam likes to plan for the future and for a rainy day, and is almost fanatical about having a minimum of six-months’ worth of rent and bills socked away in case of emergency. Trevor believes any extra money should be spent on fun and recreation and experiences that will last a lifetime. “Life is short,” said Trevor. “You might not be here tomorrow, so why wait. I don’t want a bucket list. I have a do-it-now list.”

The conflicts over money seemed fairly easy to resolve in their first couple of years together. They saved half of what Adam wanted to save every month, and spent the other half on what Trevor wanted—exciting weekends away together and trying new things like paddleboarding and zip-lining. But when Adam received a small inheritance, their minor disagreement over money turned into a major fight. “It was extra money, above the budget, so I wanted to put all of it right into savings,” said Adam. “But Trevor wanted to travel. We’d always dreamed of going to Southeast Asia, but we didn’t have the money for that kind of a trip. Especially because we are both freelancers, so it wasn’t only the cost of the trip, but the cost of our missed hours at work.”

“It was a gift,” says Trevor. “It was a chance to do something we always dreamed of doing. I couldn’t make him see my point of view. Plus it was his inheritance, so I felt like I could only argue to a point.”

“He was really upset,” says Adam. “It was big. As far as I was concerned it was our money—we share everything—but I couldn’t really understand why he didn’t see it as a chance for us to get ahead for once and have a bigger cushion if we needed it. I wanted to travel, too, but I couldn’t see taking all that time off work. It felt risky to me.”

Everything changed when they started to explore what money actually meant to each other. Trevor’s dad had died very young, at the age of 35. “My parents talked about taking us on lots of travel adventures, but the trips were always off in some magical future. Someday we would go to Disneyland. Someday we would go to Hawaii. And when my dad died, all those magical adventures died with him. Someday never happened. When you’re on your deathbed, you’re

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