Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life by Jill Brooke

Author:Jill Brooke
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-01-23T16:00:00+00:00

(1) First, try to remember ways in which your loved one left an imprint on you. Review the ways your loved one influences you today and how he or she impacts your daily life. Do you love cooking? Are you good in math? Do you relish mystery novels? When you speak, are there familiar phrases you use?

My friend Sally hears herself yelling at her kids, “If you mess up, you can clean up,” which was how her mother scolded her in childhood. Tim’s father would build train tracks that twisted like pretzels through the backyard, and now he gets great pleasure building similar mazes with his own son. Whenever I am angry, a light switch turns on in my head and I hear my father saying, “Choose your battles wisely.” This sage advice guides me and influences my daily reactions. This is what psychologists call the “continuing sense of presence.” By consciously recognizing that your loved one has left an imprint on you, it helps make them feel closer to you.

Bill Cosby continues to share his love of teaching with his son, Ennis. While his son was finishing his teaching degree at Columbia University, he was killed by a drive-by robber. In his early years, Ennis had struggled with school. “He worked so hard yet he wasn’t getting the grades he wanted,” recalls Cosby. “My wife had him tested, and sure enough, we learned that Ennis had dyslexia. Once we identified the problem, we could then work on it.” The experience inspired Ennis to be a teacher, and Bill ensures that he still is. Cosby started the “Hello Friend/Ennis William Cosby Foundation” to “celebrate the life and fulfill the goals and dreams of Ennis.” As Cosby explains “Hello Friend” was a favorite phrase of his son’s. The foundation is designed to develop innovative ways to help children with learning problems. For Cosby, working with the foundation connects him to Ennis. “I want to celebrate his life,” he says. “This is one way to do it.”

No one that we have ever loved can totally disappear from our lives. Our loved ones live on in our gestures, our mannerisms, our beliefs and our feelings. “The deceased leave their mark and imprint on our very being,” says Dr. Craig Vickio. “As a result of this internalization process, the influence of our loved ones extends far beyond death.”

What often happens is an editing process in which you take the best parts of the person. My father was a kindhearted man, loved by many, and I, too, put a high value on compassion and empathy. Yet he was also a man who kept secrets about his past, which robbed me of truly knowing him and my family history. As a result, I am far more forthcoming to my children and friends.

Dr. Richard Tedeschi, a researcher at the University of North Carolina and the author of “Posttraumatic Growth,” considers this one of the positive outcomes from loss.

“The ongoing bonds with the deceased help survivors review past events, clarify values and attitudes in their lives,” he says.

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