Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? Second Edition by Jordan Paul

Author:Jordan Paul
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hazelden Foundation

The Beginning of Power Struggles

Between the ages of one and three, most children begin to feel a sense of personal power and independence, and they begin to establish a separate identity. Wanting the freedom to make their own decisions, they start to rebel. Thus begin the “terrible twos,” when children want to become autonomous yet still keep their parents’ love. Parents want to control the child without losing his or her love. Both parents and children face the question: “Do I have to give up me to be loved by you?” In most households the answer is yes. But because neither parent nor child wants to give up, and both want to control the other, power struggles are set in motion that will continue throughout the years.

Power struggles between parent and child erupt wherever the parent wants something from the child and the child can resist: feeding, toilet training, taking baths, brushing teeth, dressing, going to bed at night. For example, Lisa wanted to decide for herself what to wear to nursery school. Marilyn, her mother, wanted Lisa to look pretty and well dressed so other mothers would see what a good mother she was. Lisa and Marilyn fought and screamed over clothes every morning. Lisa went to school crying and Marilyn collapsed in exhaustion, never realizing that clothes were not the problem. A power struggle was the problem.

A child’s behavior can seem ridiculous or bizarre when it’s not recognized as primarily a power struggle. On a warm summer night, Josh’s father suggested that he would be more comfortable sleeping without his pajama top. Josh said, “No!” His father tried to explain why Josh would be more comfortable the other way. Josh still balked. When logic did not work, Dad got angry, but Josh was adamant. Dad finally left shaking his head, bewildered over his son’s irrational behavior. When Josh’s resistance is understood as his need to take a stand, the scene makes perfect sense. He wanted to keep his integrity. If he compromised, he would be giving himself up.

Childhood power struggles usually abate until adolescence brings a more trying version of the toddler’s fight for independence. Parents who are perplexed by a teenager’s mindless conformity to the taste of his or her peers in clothes, music, and recreation miss the inner logic of the mystifying behavior. Maturity requires a shift from parental values to one’s own value system. Teenagers, not having developed a strong enough sense of self-confidence to make their own decision without looking for approval, merely shift the authority from parents to peers. Parents fiercely resist inroads on their authority, but the teenager’s need for outside acceptance and a separate identity is absolute. Family conflict with adolescents can only be modulated when one or both sides adopt an intent to learn rather than to continue blaming, resisting, and controlling.

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