Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary

Author:Wendy T. Behary [Behary, Wendy T.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
ISBN: 9781608827626
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2013-06-23T16:00:00+00:00

Why is this relevant? Because schemas, in cahoots with your sensory system, send messages from the body to the brain and vice versa, setting off internal but often false alarms to arouse you to self-protective action. The problem here is that the brain can be fooled. It can’t easily differentiate between a stomachache brought on by a virus and one brought on by a marathon melee with the narcissist. And further, it is prone to associating either of these with those unforgettable stomachaches in first grade at parochial school, when you were terrorized by the threat of burning in the fires of hell if you forgot to wear your beanie, thus tilling the soil for the seeding of your mistrust schema.

Without mindful attunement to your inner state and structure, subtle and not-so-subtle sensory stimuli can leave you feeling suspicious and on edge anytime you feel queasy. If, on the other hand, you can make sense out of the uneasy feeling in your stomach, attributing it to a definite physical cause (I have a nauseous feeling in my stomach because I caught the bug that everyone in my office has had all week, not because danger lurks ahead), you might be able to put self-doubts aside and simply rest if you are unwell. Alternatively, you might start to see a pattern of nonphysical causes (I have a nauseous feeling in my stomach every time I get into it with my coworker Sherry because I wind up feeling like Sister Joseph Marie is about to toss me down the chute to hell without my sunscreen), in which case you might be able to garner your courage and stand up to Sherry with sturdiness and conviction. To be successful in this, you must invite your brain to download a new mantra: That was then and this is now. Chapter 5 will give you many tools for making the distinction and living by that mantra.

Exercise: Anticipating the Glitches and Activating Your Radar

Now that you’ve learned about the insidious ways in which schemas can activate painful emotions and distressing physical sensations, you’re probably eager to learn how to short-circuit this response. Building on the previous exercise, this one also uses a visualization of a difficult encounter with your narcissist. Here, you’ll begin to practice new awareness skills in the relative comfort and safety of your own mind, rather than one-on-one with the narcissist. You’ll also gain some experience in using a positive and compassionate inner dialogue to place your schemas in perspective.

Think about your next encounter with the narcissist. When and where will it occur? What will the circumstances of this meeting be?

Think about all of the possible interpersonal challenges that might arise during this encounter.

Take into account all that you can possibly predict about how you’re likely to feel, given the importance of the particular activity that brings you together, your typical level of sensitivity in such situations, and historical precedents in this type of situation. Consider everything from peripheral distractions to the worst-case scenario.

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