Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs by Dave Barry

Author:Dave Barry
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 0-7407-0600-4
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC
Published: 2000-07-01T16:00:00+00:00

Weenie Music

“I write the songs that make the whole world nauseous”

What, exactly, do I mean by the term weenie music? I mean “The kind of sniveling, pouty, hypersensitive, self-absorbed song, usually performed by males, that makes you want to pick up the singer by his pencil neck and shake him until he stops.”

A classic example of a weenie song—one that did very well in the Bad Song Survey—is Morris Albert’s “Feelings,” which gave the world this unforgettably eloquent expression of heartfelt emotion:

Feelings

Wo wo wo

Feelings

Wo wo wo

Probably the most violently hated of the weenie songs cited in the survey was “Sometimes When We Touch,” sung in a very emotional manner by Dan Hill, who sounds as though he’s having his prostate examined by Captain Hook. Voters were especially incensed by these lyrics:

I’m just another writer

Still trapped within my truth

and

I want to hold you till I die

Till we both break down and cry

Expressing a typical voter opinion, Laura McCusker wrote: “I always thought dentists should pipe this song into their waiting rooms. After sitting through it half a dozen or so times, patients would be BEGGING for root canal.”

I think the same could also be said for another weenie classic, Bob Lind’s “Elusive Butterfly,” wherein he tells us that if we hear a sound, we should not be concerned, because it’s only him, chasing “the bright elusive butterfly of love.”

Yo, Bob: We’re not concerned. Leave us out of it.

Of course when you talk about weenie music, there’s one name you have to bring up, although I am very reluctant to do so, because on those occasions when I have said anything even remotely negative about this person in my newspaper column, I have gotten an extremely angry reaction from his many, many fanatically loyal fans, so let me preface this with the following:

Special Note to Barry Manilow Fans:

Please do not get mad at me! I am merely reporting the views of other people here! I personally think Barry is the greatest! He is a music giant and a stud muffin of vast masculinity! I have a shrine to him in my living room! Even bigger than my Neil Diamond shrine!

P.S. to John Denver Fans: John is also the greatest! I don’t think he’s a weenie at all for writing “Annie’s Song” and “Sunshine on My Shoulders”!

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.