Damn United: 101 Reasons Not To Support Manchester United by Smooch Papandreas

Author:Smooch Papandreas
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781447819103

Reason 51. Pointless Touchline Bans

It wouldn’t be a Premiership season if the FA didn’t impose at least one touchline ban on Alex Ferguson. However, the evidence of past seasons has shown the feeble nature of this punishment. There’s little point sending a manager to sit in the bleachers if he’s going to exert even more control over his team than when he’s chewing through turf at the pitch side. Seeing Fergie rigged up with every technological aid is like seeing your granddad wearing a digital thong. Even if it’s not against the law of the game, it must be against the laws of nature.

What the FA fails to realise is that Fergie has mastered complicated communications devices better than a five year old with a pay-as-you-go contract with Nokia. Through his head-mounted display he can reorganise his defence, change the playing formation, keep track of the 3.30 at Haydock, as well as influence the weather, check his stocks, and update his Twitter status to read ‘just hangin’, dudes’.

It’s about time the FA realised that punishment should mean less control and not more. At the end of Terminator 2, even Arnie had to be dumped into the molten metal to prevent his technology falling into the wrong hands. Now, you might not think it has any bearing or relevance to what I’m arguing but I can’t help but feel that this might be a proper solution to our problems.

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