Connecting Across Differences by Jane Marantz Connor Dian Killian

Author:Jane Marantz Connor, Dian Killian
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781934336120
Publisher: PuddleDancer Press

Coach (sharing his judgments of Tim aloud): You blew it—you froze just when the team needed you! And we’d talked about how to handle situations like that—you should have jumped in sooner!

Tim (empathizing silently with himself): Wow! When I hear the coach say, “You blew it!” I’m frustrated and mad. I know I missed the last shot, but I really helped the team a lot this year—I don’t think we’d have made it this far without my moves. I’d love some appreciation for all that I did do for the team.

Tim (empathizing with the coach—also silently, to himself): I bet he’s really disappointed because we were so close to winning the championship and this is the first time we got this close since he became coach. Now we have to win the next two games. I can understand why he’s frustrated, and I know a lot is riding on this for him.

Tim (empathizing out loud with the coach): Yeah, I know this is very upsetting for you. You really had high hopes of our winning the championship this year, and now you’re probably nervous about whether we’ll make it or not.

Coach: Yes, that’s true. I didn’t mean to snap at you—it’s just we were so close, and this game would have sealed it for us! I know you were trying your best.

Once the coach has a sense of being understood, he is better able to understand what might be going on for Tim. Tim is able to find the space to empathize with the coach because he has self-empathized first, mourning his own unmet needs and then guessing what feelings and needs might be “up” for the coach. Finding common ground in shared perspectives makes for renewed understanding and connection. When Tim asks the coach about his experience and names his own discomfort about what happened, he opens up space for dialogue, and to address misunderstandings.

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