Confessions of an Ice Cream Man by Timothy Lea

Author:Timothy Lea [Timothy Lea]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2012-11-27T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER SIX

In which Timmy prepares to go out on his first sales foray.

‘You look sensational,’ says Sid.

‘I feel a berk,’ I say.

‘Don’t be stupid,’ says Sid. ‘I think it really suits you. When I look at that hat I think what a shame it was to do away with National Service. You’d have made a lovely soldier.’

‘A lovely corpse, you mean. Why do I have to wear a peaked cap?’

‘Because it’s a link with the past,’ says Sid. ‘A symbol of dependability. I remember when I was a little kiddy how the ice cream man always used to have a peaked cap.’

‘He didn’t have white-washed wellies, did he?’

‘Well, no, he didn’t,’ says Sid. ‘You’ve got to make some concession to progress. We do live in the twentieth century.’

‘And the white gloves,’ I say. ‘I look like a refugee from Come Dancing.’

‘That’s a touch I borrowed from Joe Lyons,’ says Sid. ‘I went to Wimbledon tennis once – I thought I was going to the dog track but I got on the wrong train. Anyroad, the blokes flogging ice cream there had folded white gloves in their breast pockets. Very classy it looked. I was so impressed that I didn’t notice the bloke giving me ten bob’s change for a quid. You want to watch that.’

‘People conning me?’ I say.

‘No! Using your loaf when it comes to giving people change. Most of them never count it, especially if they’re buying an ice cream for their bird. Don’t try it on the kids, of course.’

‘I’m glad to see you have some principles, Sid,’ I say.

‘It’s not principles,’ says Sid. ‘It’s the fact that the mean little bastards count every penny. I’m not advocating dishonesty, mind you. I just think it’s in the public’s interest if they’re encouraged to keep on their toes. There’s a lot of crooks about, you know. People can’t be too careful. If the price of future vigilance is the loss of a few pence change then we’re performing a public service.’

‘I’m not going to start off short-changing people,’ I say.

‘We’ll see how it goes,’ says Sid. ‘It’s just a question of redressing the balance really. I mean, there’s going to be times when you accidentally give people too much change. If you take a few bob occasionally it’s going to even things up.’

‘I’m not going to work like that,’ I say. ‘I want to build up a clientele. You can’t win people’s trust if you’re ripping them off all the time.’

‘Rippling them off, you mean,’ says Sid. ‘All right, have it your way. But don’t expect any sympathy if your sales figures don’t balance at the end of the day. I expect every comet and wafer accounted for. There’s eighty-three scoopfuls in each tin and that’s with the scoop smoothed flat against the side.’

I know Sid is not kidding because he spent a whole evening playing with his scoop. He loves watching the little arm sweep round and ease out a perfect half circle of ice cream. Jason tired of it after three goes.

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