Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential by John Neffinger & Matthew Kohut

Author:John Neffinger & Matthew Kohut [Neffinger, John]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Piatkus
Published: 2013-08-14T16:00:00+00:00

What does this little doodle have to do with communication? It is a simple picture that reminds you what you have to do to communicate effectively with any audience: Your first job is to get in the circle. Because the circle is not just a Venn diagram of your audience’s frame of reference—it is also the radius of your audience’s hearing.

When someone starts talking to you, you are presented with two questions. One is whether what they are saying makes sense to you. But before you answer that question, you first consider a different question: Is this a person worth listening to? Do they understand how the world works—in other words, are they capable? And what is their agenda in talking with you—are they friend or foe? If you don’t see that person as both strong, in the sense of having a grasp of the issue they’re talking about, and warm, in the sense that they are on your side, you will discount everything they say accordingly, if you even bother to listen at all.

You face the same challenge with your own audience. You can talk all day long, but if your audience does not see you as belonging in that circle with them, they will not listen. They may hear you, but your words are just so much noise washing over them. They will not seriously consider adopting your point of view. You will remain an outsider who does not get it.

This circle is definitely not the most precise scientific representation of the process of interpersonal communication. But whatever it lacks in analytical rigor, it makes up for in universality. There is something about a circle—it is just such an archetypal image—that it resonates with us. And the idea behind this primitive little sketch is as powerful as it is simple: You are either inside or outside, and if you’re outside, nobody will listen to you. That’s why your first task when you open your mouth is to get yourself in that circle.

Finding the Way Inside

So how does one get in your audience’s circle? By now we know lots of ways to project warmth: You can smile; you can do people favors. None of this is necessarily wrong, and all the usual ways of projecting warmth can certainly help. At bottom, though, what your audience is looking for is to know that you are on the same emotional page as they are. The key to getting in the circle, then, is simple: Show your audience that you feel the same way they do. Validate their feelings.

If your audience is frustrated about an issue and you are too, show your frustration. If your audience is happy about something and so are you, share your happiness. If you and your audience are ambivalent about an issue, show that you are torn. (If your audience is confused by the issue, you do not have to prove to them that you are confused about it currently, but you will help yourself if you acknowledge that the issue is a confusing one and that you felt that way too.

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