Buy Yourself the Damn Flowers by Tam Kaur

Author:Tam Kaur
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bonnier Books UK
Published: 2024-07-10T00:00:00+00:00

2. Sabotage and accountability

Self-sabotage is when you unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) create problems or obstacles within your life that prevent the fulfilment of your goals and successes. In my opinion, it happens when you are living from a place of comfort and familiarity, but when you’re on your healing journey, you’re supposed to remove yourself from the things that keep you in the vibration you experienced during your trauma. We chase familiarity because it feels safe even if that familiarity is rooted in chaos and toxicity – we desire its predictability. Returning to the vibration of your wounded self can take shape in something as small as listening to the same sad songs, watching the movies your ex loved, rereading texts, stalking ex-friends on social media and looking back on pictures from that time. These small habits are what led you down the path of taking the biggest backward steps in your healing journey, like texting your ex again or looking for help in all the places that do more harm than good.

Missing what once hurt you isn’t a sign to give it another chance. It is normal to feel sad after making the right decision because choosing the path for your future self will separate you from what you’ve always known; choosing to go back to the past is simply a natural instinct because our brains are hard-wired to seek out comfort. The solution to this is to acknowledge help over harm. It’s crucial to understand the difference between reparenting yourself by recognising and meeting your own emotional needs and retraumatising yourself by abusing quick dopamine fixes that make you feel better in the moment but also prolong the entire healing process.

Accountability is all about taking a step back to be honest with yourself and view your actions without complex emotions attached to them (which often leads us into the trap of justifying toxic patterns). All it takes is the ability to see the role you play in your obstacles and the solutions will naturally find you. More often than not, it’s the denial we hold and the external viewpoint we fixate on that leave us blind to the power and control we have over our own lives.

I took accountability for my self-sabotaging tendencies and blocked my ex on every platform instead of complaining about his unsettling reappearance in my life; healing my attachment style through self-education instead of carrying on with the mindset that got me into the situation I was trying to escape and detoxing myself from the lifestyle I was used to so I could build up the highest tolerance for new environments in the long term. See the difference?

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