Breaking Up and Bouncing Back by Samantha Burns

Author:Samantha Burns
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dover Publications
Published: 2018-03-19T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 9

Status “Quoples”

Did you blossom early as a couple, and then plateau? Did the thrill of the chase keep you invested? Did your determination to change them override your inner voice? Did you grow apart with separate endeavors, but claim you were on the same page? Did you convince yourself that you were just stuck in a temporary rut? Did you stick it out because it was easier than splitting up? Did you wait for a ring on your finger because it was supposed to be the logical next step? You wait around thinking you’ll be happier when you get that ring on your finger. The truth is that the potential you had as a couple likely peaked, but because you’re loyal, committed, or afraid of change or to be on your own, you convinced yourself to stay in a stagnant relationship.

I call this type of couple—the ones who stay together because it’s comfortable, convenient, and complacent—the status “quople” (pronounced as if you joined the word “quo” and “couple”). To maintain the status quo is to keep things the way they presently are. Tony Robbins says that in order to be happy, we need to feel a sense of progress. If you were stuck in a status “quople” relationship, the partnership stopped serving you because you weren’t growing and reaching your full potential. The beauty in your breakup is that it’s now your opportunity for growth.

Some status “quoples” are in love, or content, but ultimately not growing and evolving. Status “quoples” stay together for multiple reasons, whether because change is scary and no one wants to rock the boat, or because people worry that they won’t find anyone better. I was guilty of being part of a status “quople.” My justification was that I was in love, dreaded starting over, had already put in so much effort, and was afraid of “failing.”

It takes significant introspection and courage to pull back and identify yourself as being part of a status “quople.” I want you to question if the relationship served its purpose—not to end up together, but rather to give you the love lessons you need to get back out there and find your more ideal match? Imagine that. How does this change your perception about your breakup?

If your needs went unmet despite clearly communicating your expectations for change, there’s a good chance you settled. It can be easier to see it in other couples’ relationships, since we tend to be blind in our own love lives, and frankly it can be easier to stick your head in the sand than take action. While with your ex, you may have tried to force a future together, or check off milestones (for example, moving in together, making it to the next anniversary, getting engaged or married) because you wanted a sense of progress, especially if you tend to compare yourself to friends (or frenemies) on social media. It can be hard when everyone around you seems to be growing and taking steps forward in life, and you’re stuck or feel like you’re falling behind.

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