Breaking the Male Code by Robert Garfield

Author:Robert Garfield [Garfield, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-04-12T22:00:00+00:00

Schedule It!

Scheduling time is a constant challenge in our relationship. Witness a recent conversation Jake and I had at the Lunch Box, a little deli hidden inside a nondescript office building across from my office, where we regularly chow down after our workouts.

Jake: “So what’s up?”

Me: “I’m feeling nasty. I thought I had a virus. But it hasn’t gone away for two weeks. I’m totally low energy.”

Jake: “Have you called Brad [my internist]?”

Me: “No. I haven’t had time. I should.”

Jake, shoving my cell phone across the table to me: “Call him.”

I dial Brad’s number. Audrey, Brad’s administrator, picks up, and tells me the earliest possible time Brad can see me. I’m in luck, but not without complications.

“Shit,” I say after I hang up. “He can see me Thursday. But it conflicts with our time together.”

We both hesitate, metabolizing this disruption.

“Uh,” I say, “what about Friday? I’m good pretty much all afternoon.”

“Great!” he says. Then he reverses himself, remembering something. “I can’t. Rachel [his daughter] is coming into town, and we’re meeting to talk about her moving to Philadelphia from Baltimore.”

“What?” I protest, in mock pain. “Your daughter’s future is more important than our working out together?”

He smiles. “Yeah, ’fraid so. At least this week.”

We look at each other, shaking our heads, with that buck-up-that’s-how-it’s-going-down look, knowing we’re probably not going to meet again until next Tuesday.

“OK,” I say, disappointed. “So maybe we’ll check in over the weekend.” Which may or may not happen. But it’s a comforting thought to tide us over until we connect again. He nods his head in agreement.

I’m not complaining here. Jake and I are lucky to have the amount of time we spend together. I’m just describing the administrative details that go into managing our relationship.

Weekly or biweekly get-togethers may not be possible with close guy friends for a variety of reasons—distance, work, family responsibilities. Two of my good friends, Michael and Larry, live in Alexandria, Virginia, and Washington, DC, respectively. When we see each other, we have to plan in advance. Some of these visits are social and include our wives. Others involve getting together at professional conferences.

In these situations, I’ve found it’s important to schedule some one-on-one time with a friend. Couples’ chat can be intense and consuming, while professional conferences can be busy. So I try to clear some private guy time—retire to the porch or den, or take a walk outside the hotel—to get a chance to really connect.

Sometimes, you have to simply seize the moment when it arises. During a recent visit to Washington, DC, my wife and I had some scary car trouble along the way. The following morning, my friend Larry and I spent a terrific few hours hanging out in the service lounge of a car dealership, with a supply of coffee, bagels, and cream cheese, as we waited for the car to be fixed. While my coils were being replaced, we caught up on everything from what our neighborhoods were like in the cities where we

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