Breaking Free from the Victim Trap by Zimberoff Diane

Author:Zimberoff, Diane
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wellness Press
Published: 2011-01-06T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 14

Healing the Persecutor Personality

In victim families shame is used when the parents bring out the heavy artillery in the battle for control and power.

All the treatment aspects that we have discussed so far about the victim also apply to the persecutor. Remember, as reflected on the diagram, the persecutor feels like a victim underneath his or her “tough” exterior. When I say tough, this can be taken in one of two ways. The person can appear to be “tough” as in macho or they can appear to be tough as in strong and having it all together. The word “appear” is important here, for this is all just an act. Underneath the tough exterior, the persecutor feels as helpless as any victim who is crumbling right before your eyes.

Many times men take the role of persecutors because this is what they have been taught through cultural beliefs like “big boys don’t cry,” and “stand up and fight like a man.” Young boys learn the role of persecution from a very young age. Watch what happens on a children’s playground, where the boys constantly persecute the girls or the weaker boys through teasing; these kids then take the role of the victim, crying and telling the teachers (rescuers).

This does not mean that women do not get into the roles of persecutors, but they usually do it in a different way. Men often persecute directly by physical, verbal or sexual abuse; or they persecute indirectly by emotional or financial withdrawal, or by going out and getting drunk. Women may use abuse or addictions to persecute, but are often more adept at persecuting with guilt. Both men and women use sex as their sword. Money is another weapon used to control and hurt each other.

This is not the place to get into the battle of the sexes, but I want to make it clear that there are many different ways to persecute each other. Couples involved in going back and forth between victim and persecutor can drive themselves and everyone around them crazy! It is a neverending battle and everyone and anything may be used as pawns in this sinister game.

The treatment goes much faster if both people are involved directly in it. Because the source of the problem is feeling powerless, these battles are coming from two people who are using each other to try to feel powerful. If one can get control of the other person in some area, then somehow there is more satisfaction in that person’s own life. This, of course, is untrue and merely an illusion, but it is nevertheless the modus operandi of persecutors.

Persecutors must first and foremost get down to the core of their anger and learn to express it in the therapy office in a healthy way. Persecutors have learned to express their anger in unhealthy ways by taking it out on others. This is an unacceptable release of anger and must be re-directed to the floor or a pillow or a punching bag.

If

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