Born Anxious by Daniel P. Keating

Born Anxious by Daniel P. Keating

Author:Daniel P. Keating
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin’s Press


A DIFFERENT KIND OF INDEPENDENCE

At the same time that parents begin to step back, the atmosphere of school changes rather dramatically, too. The relatively more nurturing, family-like organization of elementary education gives way to a more explicitly competitive environment, where it’s clear adolescents are expected to rely more on themselves. The message from teachers and the system becomes much more about judgment than comfort: you will have assignments with deadlines, you’ll be competing with fellow students, you’ll be graded on everything. This is made to feel even more high stakes by the realization that school success is critical to career success, especially in the intense atmosphere of social inequality—a topic we’ll come back to in later chapters.

For teens struggling with a disrupted stress system, this may be something of a tipping point. This transition happens when many kids, even those not struggling with high stress levels, are not quite ready for it, when their PFC-based planning capabilities are still immature. And, because many SDR kids tend to be impulsive, and thus put more strain on the PFC, more of them will be caught in this mismatch of emotional readiness and the stark demands of middle and high school.

The same requirements raised in Chapter 3 remain true of school at this stage: teachers need to communicate to students that they matter, and that being part of the community is important. When students believe their social connections are authentic, that they are valued, then they are much more open to a wide range of life lessons. One of the consequences of establishing a meaningful relation between students and teachers—and using it to support healthy development—is that students remain truly engaged in schooling; they are not just putting in the time.

There has been much research recently looking at the characteristics of school systems that have begun to carry out this redesign most effectively. These creative efforts are still in process, but we can already begin to see the outline of some key features that work. One finding that illustrates a key to bolstering enthusiasm is that if kids are engaged in at least one activity in school outside of academics—whether that is a sports team, a drama club, or an arts class—this essentially reinforces a bond with the school. In these cases, the most at-risk students, as compared to others who don’t have a connection to school outside of academics, are much more likely to excel as students and graduate from high school.

In addition to what parents can do directly to support a child or teen with SDR—continuing with an authoritative style of warm responsiveness combined with clear expectations; supporting a more self-aware, mindful approach to evaluating the teen’s experiences; and remaining invested in a close emotional connection—there is the delicate dance that is important as a teen enters the larger world in a more independent way. Many parents are tempted to become overinvolved with how their teen is navigating the very difficult challenges that peers and school now present to them. For



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