Big Love by Scott Stabile

Author:Scott Stabile [Stabile, Scott]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New World Library
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

About two years before his death, while I was living in Brooklyn with my partner, Kevin and I had a long conversation over the phone. He talked about a fight he’d had with a cousin over his prescription drug usage. He’d awakened in the middle of the night and had ravaged several desserts his cousin had prepared for the next day’s Thanksgiving dinner. “I ate the entire pumpkin pie,” he laughed. “And half the cheesecake.”

His cousin exploded and told him she wanted no contact with him until he cleaned himself up — from drugs and alcohol, which he admitted he’d been consuming more and more of in recent months.

“She’s always been uptight,” he said, “and I was sick of it, anyway.” He took no responsibility for his actions, and neither of us made any references to his drug use. I didn’t speak up in the moment but knew I wouldn’t stay silent any longer, especially because Kevin seemed increasingly lost and unhappy.

Once we hung up, I wrote him an email. I told Kevin I thought he had a serious drug problem and that he was in denial, that he needed to find a new psychiatrist, and that his life was not going to improve until he made some drastic changes regarding his prescription drug habit. I told him I loved him and was there if he needed me, even though a large part of me hoped he wouldn’t need me, that he’d handle it on his own or with the support of other friends. I kept seeing flashes of my brother and father, remembering all the trauma their addictions caused our family.

I went back and forth over whether to send the email. It’s hard to speak the truth when the truth is going to hurt or when you’re not sure it’s going to make any difference. And what if Kevin did need me, even more than I’d imagined? What if he needed me as an anchor in his sobriety? I worried I might be committing myself to his life in a way that didn’t feel comfortable.

I sent the email.

Kevin responded by email a week later. To my surprise, he agreed with everything I’d written and thanked me for writing it. Since receiving my email, he’d already reached out to a new psychiatrist, as well as a psychotherapist. He had begun to make changes and said that he planned to work hard to get himself off the meds. I felt relieved by his openness and happy to know he was taking action to heal himself. Though I’d waited such a long time to bring up his addiction, and only said something once I was living across the country, safe from having to play too present a role in his journey, I still felt grateful to eventually have found the courage, and the love, to send the email. It seemed to have helped him in some way.

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