Better You, Better Friends by Glenda D. Shaw

Author:Glenda D. Shaw
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2021-06-24T00:00:00+00:00

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Boundaries

Set Them, Respect Them

Setting boundaries isn’t easy—especially with friends. Why? They’re our friends, and we love them, even when they’re breaching some sort of protocol or trust. But often it’s awkward, and even frustrating, to have to say something about this situation. We think, Doesn’t she know? How could she notknow how I feel about this! At times like these a boundary needs to be identified, put into words.

A friend had a situation like this with one of her close friends. When she was pregnant with her first child, Madelyn met Helen, who taught alternative child birthing classes. The two of them have been friends ever since, along with three other moms who attended those same classes. Because they raised their children together, they called themselves the Mothers. Madelyn adores Helen, describing her as “a really good-hearted person, smart, cultured, and a great movie critic!” (Madelyn loves movies.)

Yet Helen can also be pushy and, occasionally, demanding. Madelyn told me, “She’s a person who, when she encounters a boundary, will keep at it until she gets what she wants.” Even for the smaller arrangements, such as pushing to change the time or place of a dinner date the Mothers had planned together. They’d agree on six o’clock, then on that day Helen would want to change it to seven—she had a nail appointment, or some such activity. Initially, the others would accommodate her, but then it became a noticeable pattern—and this became annoying. They all had hectic work and personal lives, so the constant reshuffling threw off their own schedules.

“So, we established ground rules,” Madelyn said. Even then, Helen still kept testing the waters. Madelyn can’t remember who first set down the boundary, but it was clear: From now on if a time and place is set, that’s it—unless there’s an emergency—and we hope to see you there. And they all fell in line with this rule, no longer changing their plans to suit Helen. “Here’s the time and place we’re meeting. Hope you can make it.” For a while, Helen kept testing them, but now she knows better—and even laughs about it.

Setting boundaries like this one, Madelyn said, is a matter of “figuring out what works for me.” She added, “To be a good friend, you’ve got to get clear about who you are … to do some work on yourself.”

Which is a key to this chapter. It’s about knowing what you want in a friendship so when a friend crosses a line into territory that doesn’t work for you, instead of dwelling on their behavior, you address the issue.

It’s important for me to keep my close friend connections active, and this takes some effort on my part, a certain level of commitment and communication. And I have to admit that the amount of effort I put in corresponds to the level of friendship I have with that person, whether I see this person as an essential friend, a collaborator, or an associate.

Also, there are some people I would never think of as a friend at any level.

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