Better Conversations by Jim Knight

Author:Jim Knight [Knight, Jim]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: SAGE Publications
Published: 2022-01-16T05:29:41.871168+00:00

One way to learn to be fully present is to simply watch other people to get a deeper understanding of how people connect or fail to connect. Gottman and DeClaire’s (2001) work helps us name and see phenomena that we wouldn’t see if we didn’t have their words. The concepts of bids, turning toward, turning away, and turning against help us see people living out those concepts all the time right in front of us.

When we watch how people bid and respond to bids, we start to see how simple actions can open up or shut down emotional connection. The nonverbal and verbal ways in which people interact can be revealing. When we observe others, we should watch to see whether we see someone light up when a friend makes a bid. Do we see a flash of sadness when someone turns away? There is much to be learned by setting aside time to simply pay attention to people around you and note how they interact.

Bids and responses happen anywhere people get together, in homes, schools, shopping malls, parks, coffee shops, and places of worship. One way to deepen our understanding of the dynamics of emotional connection is to set aside a short period of time to people watch. You might do this by going to your local coffee shop, grabbing your favorite beverage, and using the Looking At form at the end of this chapter to focus your perceptions.

I do believe that the practices I am focused on at this point made the difference with me and my attitude the last month of school. I hope that the change in my thinking may be of a positive influence for the women in our department with whom I am close. I am convinced that the challenges that began this spring will resurrect in the fall. And, I think I will be better equipped to handle these issues if I can keep practicing these skills.

—Research volunteer

Complex, fulfilling relationships don’t suddenly appear in our lives fully formed. Rather, they develop one encounter at a time.

—John Gottman and Joan DeClaire (2001, p. 6)

If you can see past a person’s anger, sadness, or fear to recognize the hidden need, you open up new possibilities for relation. You’re able to see your coworker’s sullen silence as a bid for inclusion in decisions that affect his job, for example. Or you can recognize that your sister’s agitation says she’s feeling alienated from the family. You can even see the bid in your three-year-old’s temper tantrum: He not only wants the toy you can’t buy for him, he wants your comfort in a frustrating situation, as well.

—John Gottman and Joan DeClaire (2001, p. 36)

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