Becoming the One by Sheleana Aiyana

Author:Sheleana Aiyana
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Chronicle Books LLC
Published: 2022-01-25T03:03:00+00:00

Keeping Love at a Distance

Harley’s first girlfriend cheated on her when she was in high school. Even though her current girlfriend, Kim, was secure and trustworthy, Harley found herself flying into jealous fits anytime her partner even spoke to another woman. Kim was incredibly frustrated by this because she had never done anything to break trust in the relationship and it brought up an old familiar feeling of being misunderstood and wrongly accused of things she didn’t do—a pattern that showed up in her family system. When Harley recognized she was projecting the relational rupture that happened in high school onto Kim, it opened up a door for them to talk about their family histories. As a result, they both felt more seen and they came to understand the projection for what it was, growing their capacity to respond rather than react in tough moments. Harley learned to ask for gentle reassurance when she needed it, and Kim was able to practice being present rather than getting defensive when Harley expressed her fears.

When we have not forgiven or made peace with old hurts, our partners can unconsciously represent a figure from our past—usually a caretaker, like our mother or father, but sometimes a sibling or teacher. We may find ourselves projecting a belief that the people in our lives now will be untrustworthy, unreliable, or emotionally unavailable, just as those in our past had been.

Projections are a defense mechanism, a way for our ego to protect us from our painful feelings. But projections also cut us off from love.

If the goal of the heart is togetherness and oneness, the goal of the ego is separateness. Think of the ego as your inner guard dog. If you’ve ever spent time with a rescue dog that has experienced trauma, you may have noticed that they are either extremely timid or extremely aggressive, barking and biting even when there is no real threat. It takes patience and time to teach them not to be constantly on edge or in a reactionary mode. And this is exactly what it’s like when we ourselves have unhealed trauma looming over us in relationship. In a sense, working with your ego is like training your inner guard dog to be protective when it’s really necessary, and to otherwise be warm, safe, and welcoming.

The ego is not bad; in fact, it is essential to our survival—it is what allows us to functionally engage with reality. It isn’t until our ego begins to develop when we’re young that we start to have an awareness of time and space and form an identity of our own. However, when we are wounded, the ego oversteps its function and takes on the role of ruthless defender, protector, and competitor. We don’t want to eradicate or destroy it. Instead, we want to integrate it and give it space to exist, without assigning it an executive leadership position in our lives and relationships.

The more evidence we have from our past that vulnerability isn’t safe, the more our ego will defend against it by unconsciously pushing people away and closing our hearts.

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