Attack of the Woolly Jumper by Mark Lowery

Author:Mark Lowery [Lowery, Mark]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bonnier Publishing Fiction
Published: 2017-01-18T16:00:00+00:00

When the Crumper Changed Size and

Gamble Entertained Some Wildlife

‘Well, I still think it looks lovely,’ said Mum, looking and sounding like she didn’t really believe what she was saying. ‘Despite the fact it’s … changed a bit.’

‘We’re going to the wildlife hospital this morning,’ I whined. ‘Even the injured squirrels will bully me.’

Mum pursed her lips. ‘That’s probably not going to happen.’

Probably. I rolled my eyes. This was a disaster. The crumper had been bad enough before but now it had plunged to new depths. The night before, once Grandma had learned about the royal visit, she’d insisted on taking charge of washing it herself.

I think I’ve already mentioned about Grandma’s poor eyesight. Well, she’d accidentally put the crumper in the washing machine on a super-hot temperature. The body had shrunk to about a third of its previous size so now it didn’t even stretch over my chubby doughnut belly. On the front of it, Princess Lucy’s face had also shrivelled, like a picture. Unfortunately, this just made the cone-shaped eye-boobs stick out even further.

But, worst of all, the arms had stayed the same length because they were made of a different wool which didn’t shrink in the wash. I looked completely stupid. Imagine a heavily pregnant woman in a crop top crossed with Mr Tickle and you get the idea.

Just then Grandma came into the room. Mum and I stopped talking about the crumper straight away.

‘Oooh! Don’t you look handsome?’ cooed Grandma. I told you her eyesight was bad. She waggled my cheek so hard that she let out one of those trumps old ladies do whenever they move too vigorously.

I held my breath and tried to smile.

I didn’t have a choice about wearing it, of course. That morning a letter had been delivered to the house. It was from Rosie’s dad and said that ‘his daughter’s happiness was the most important thing in the world’ so he just wanted to repeat ‘how serious it was that the jumper was worn at all times’ or ‘there will be consequences’. I could just imagine Rosie standing over him while he typed it.

As soon as I’d read the letter I’d torn it up and thrown it in the bin so that Grandma didn’t see it. I didn’t want her to know I was only wearing the crumper because I was being forced to.

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